Published: August 20, 2008 10:30 pm            

The Anthropomorphic Gecko

I said earlier that I would take this space to mention some of the TV commercials that I enjoy versus the ones that I abhor — so here goes. First of all, my key to a successful commercial is that it must be cute, entertaining, and not overly repetitious. While I don’t necessarily endorse or use the following products, I do think their commercials have some entertainment value.

My number one favorite is the gecko who sells auto insurance. This little anthropomorphic fellow is a Day Gecko which is a species native to the islands of the southwest Indian Ocean. The term “anthropomorphic” means that human shapes or characteristics are attributed to nonhuman beings. They have taken this to the extreme when we find a lizard from Madagascar hawking his product all over America, whilst speaking English with an East London accent. One has to wonder how he can speak so succinctly with that big old sticky lizard tongue rolled up in his mouth. What if a mosquito flew across the set while we was on camera? I’ll bet you didn’t know that these little critters have no eyelids, but they do have huge rounded pupils and clear fixed plates covering their eyes which they can clean with their tongues.

This same company also features a modern-day caveman in their commercials who text-messages, disco-dances, and even plays tennis against Billy Jean King. This guy is an evolutionary U-turn dressed up in Ralph Lauren and Izod. Halloween is the only day of the year when his features could be considered anywhere near normal. He is so hairy he looks like his parents might have been Yeti and Bigfoot. His teeth protrude so much, he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence. Oh, did I mention that the dude is really ugly? As you might imagine, his social life leaves a lot to be desired due to his looks and other gaffs. He needs to get rid of those nerdy dance moves. He dances like he has two left feet — and two right ones. Also, he keeps using lame pick up lines like, “Do you live around here often?” and “Your body language displays a great vocabulary.” The last time he used one of those lines on a girl she said, “Look, Dr. Jekyll, you’re getting under my Hyde!” Be that as it may, he exhibits a certain charm that appeals to the viewer and he even had his own television show for a short time before the writers’ strike.

I especially liked the marauding hordes in the commercials put out by the “what’s in your wallet?” folks. These guys look so ugly and mean that they ought to be in the end zone for the Oakland Raiders. Although they are dressed and armed like ancient Norsemen or Picts, they also speak with clipped accents from the east end of London. Like the poor caveman, they also try to assimilate into modern society with disastrous results. How can you not chuckle when you see one of these brutes working as an airline attendant, coming down the aisle with a serving cart and bopping everyone in the head with the pointed end of the mace hanging off his back. Unfortunately, they have now been replaced by some alien-looking Matrix characters with metal grills and gears sticking out the sides of their heads. These guys couldn’t sell Windex to a Peeping Tom or a fire extinguisher to Joan-of-Arc.

How about that cute little talking baby who advocates E-trading in the stock market? He is so cute, he reminds me of my own pictures at that age. Oh yes, I was a real cutie with blond curls. Everyone says I’m still quite a charmer, but obviously, the curls are long gone. But I digress—back to the baby trading stocks. His point is that you shouldn’t trust your investments to a specialist called a “broker.” This is especially true nowadays when a “market rally” is like getting on the “up” elevator on the Titanic. He claims he fired his investment broker because every time he said “buy,” the dude hung up. What really tears me up is, after every transaction, the little fellow seems to get a gas attack and urps up some clabber on the computer keyboard. How fun! That is certainly much more true to life than those little cuties who glide around in the tire commercials.

Another anthropomorphic character I enjoy is the little white duck that sells health insurance. This little devil needs a lot of health coverage with all the fixes he gets into, like: being run over by a speeding train; being caught in a runaway Indy race car; being slapped around a hockey rink like a puck; and being eaten up by an office fax machine. Actually, the list of dire predicaments this little fellow has gotten into is longer than a Chase Springer farewell to Corsicana. Throughout all his adventures, his only dialogue is screaming the product name in a voice that could grate cheese. His voice could best be described as Gilbert Gotfried imitating Jerry Lewis.

Did you hear about the sales manager who always used the ink blot test to hire a new salesman on his staff? It seems he would pull the ink blots out during each interview and the first applicant to try to sell him a new pen got the job.

See ya later…

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Thursdays.

        

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