Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

August 7, 2010

Snarking on the news

By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun

Corsicana — The odd news has been delightful lately, and I thought I’d share a little bit of it with you today.

Nathan Wayne Pugh, a wannabe bank robber went into a Dallas Wells Fargo Bank with a note and a Whataburger bag on June 26, according to the Dallas Morning News. The note said the bag contained a “bom” and demanded money. The teller asked for his ID, and he gave her his Wells Fargo debit card. She hit the silent alarm then asked for a second form of ID, so he gave her his Texas ID card.

I have a question for Nathan Wayne: Dude, have you never seen a television or movie robbery? You don’t tell them who you are, Nathan Wayne. That’s kind of the idea behind crime, that you get away with it.

Anyway, she gave him some cash, and as he was leaving he saw the police arriving, so he grabbed a woman with a baby as his hostage. The “hostage” didn’t appreciate it, and threw the wannabe bank robber to the floor and pinned him until the cops took over. Did I mention that Nathan Wayne is only 5 foot 6 inches?

Jason Trahan, who wrote the article, included about 30 years of Pugh’s criminal history, a pathetic record of loser-dom, including robberies, drug arrests, DWIs and burglary that has led him to prison for some pretty long stretches before. He was on parole when he tried to knock over the Wells Fargo and got knocked over by a mom, instead.

Oh, Nathan Wayne, clearly you need another line of work.

On Friday, the Oregonian reported a near-riot over a lemonade stand at the Multnomah County “Last Thursday” arts festival in Portland, Ore. A 7-year-old girl set up the stand (50 cents for a glass of Kool-Aid, which may be highway robbery), and a health inspector demanded that she close because she didn’t have a food-safety permit (which is government-sanctioned highway robbery and perfectly legal). The little girl started to cry, the people at the fair surrounded the inspectors in a threatening manner, and the mom packed it in and she and the adorable tot left the fair.

Since then, people have offered to pay the kid’s fee for the next festival, or to hold “lemonade revolts” where everyone gives away free lemonade, but the county backed down in the end and apologized to the little girl.

A city commissioner, who apparently doesn’t understand the politics of cute little kids or dogs, said she agreed with the inspectors who shut down the lemonade stand. Good luck in the next election, Sweetie.

Finally, the Boston Globe reports this week that a mime and an Elvis impersonator got into a dispute earlier this month when the fake Elvis tried to swipe a section of Provincetown sidewalk from the mime. The “Elvis tribute artist” as the newspaper refers to him, is 67 and by his own admission does not look like Elvis. The mime claims he was trying to steal her audience by standing too close and clearing his throat a lot during her performance of standing still. She’s one of those mimes that doesn’t move, she just impersonates a statue.

He asked her to give up that corner after several hours but she refused. He called a cop. She accused him of groping her. He got arrested, but the charges were dropped. Now, he’s suing the statue chick for pain, humiliation, ad nauseum, and he wants $100,000 for his grief.

Allow  me to play “Judge Janet” for a moment, please. First of all, she’s a street mime, I think it’s safe to assume she doesn’t have $100,000. Second, she mimics a statue, as in “still as a ...” so why couldn’t he just stand in front of her or behind her and play his songs? What was she going to do, move? It’s also not like she’s making a lot of noise that would inhibit his performance at all.

Whenever I read articles like these I think about that line from “Pride and Prejudice” where Mr. Bennett says “For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?”

Especially if they’re mimes that don’t move, and Elvi that don’t look like Elvis.

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Janet Jacobs is a Daily Sun staff writer. Her column appears on Sundays. She may be reached by e-mail at jacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? E-mail: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com