Published: July 17, 2008 10:33 am            

Dearly departed ...

Tales from the obituary files

It’s a question that I’ve wondered about for years and years, and finally I’m going to put it in print.

Why do people who live mean-spirited lives where others are hurt by their insensitivity look all rosy and nice when they’re dead?

Let’s use the long-departed John Doe as an example. Mr. Doe was a well-known womanizer of the worst kind when he was living. He cheated on his wife with regularity. Everyone knew of his scheming, conniving ways — including Mrs. Doe. She put up with the man for the kids’ sake or so she said. Well, when Mr. Doe up and died of a heart attack, his obituary read like he was the sweetest, most-wonderful man that ever walked the earth. It talked about him being such a good husband, father and grandfather, who provided so well for his family. Financially that may have been true, but what about the emotional stability that was long needed?

Then there’s the late Mrs. Jones. Ah, Mrs. Jones, what could you say good about her? I guess the fact that she kept her yard neat and clean was the most logical choice of “goodness” in her life. She never had the desire to be a mother, much less a grandmother. So when she left this world, is it any wonder I was shocked to read she was a “wonderful” mother and grandmother who loved her family dearly. I just about choked. I had to reread the obituary to make sure I hadn’t looked at the wrong one.

Sure, there’s the old saying not to speak evil of the dead. Fear that the dead will come get you, or haunt you is the reason supposedly. Excuse me, if someone is rotten to the core in life, death is not going to change him/her into someone wonderful.

Just now I’m thinking of a man who formerly resided in our area, who has since moved on to greener pastures. He chased anything in skirts, or dresses, or pants. If a female was involved, he was trying to give the old come-hither with his eyes, and with his language, too. He also liked to imbibe on a regular basis. When he passes away, will his obit read something like this: “Mr. Smith, who lived his life as a ladies’ man and a sot, has died.” I hope it’s not some namby-pamby sugar-coated version of what a great sober-minded man he was because, if so, I’ll just have to laugh out loud.

Got a hot temper? Think the folks coming to your funeral don’t know that? Go ahead, let the family expound on the time you busted a paddle on your kid’s backside or the time you threw a glass across the room in fit of rage and it shattered into dozens of pieces. Oh, remember the time you broke the door because you couldn’t control your anger? Please, don’t have the family (or even worse — the minister) talking about how sweet, kind and loving you were. It would be a gigantic lie.

While you can still live and breathe, there’s still time to change your ways. Personally, I’d much rather see an obit that tells of the good things you’ve done with your life rather than the bad. Same thing goes for a funeral as well. Sure everyone has something they’d prefer the world not knowing, and I’d much rather hear funny, sweet stories than what a rotten scoundrel you were.

At my parents’ funerals, their pastor told of a couple of humorous incidents which had happened in their lives involving him. I mentioned before about the subterfuge my dad used when he was trying to deliver a pie to the pastor that my mom had made.

I can’t ever recall my mom making some food that wasn’t edible. I wish my kids could say the same about me, but that wouldn’t be true. One of my favorite cake recipes, which I got from my mom many years ago, happens to be one that I messed up. The recipe is given below. The mess up? I forgot the baking powder! Enjoy!

1-2-3-4 Pound Cake

1 cup margarine

2 cups sugar

3 cups flour

4 eggs

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 cup milk

2 tablespoons vanilla

pinch of salt

Cream thoroughly margarine and sugar, add and continue beating the eggs (one at a time) until batter is smooth. Add flour, baking powder, and milk alternately, beginning and ending with flour, then salt and vanilla. Mix well. Pour into greased and floured tube pan. Bake at 350 degrees for one hour and 15 minutes.

Lemon Glaze

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1 teaspoon water

1 tablespoon lemon juice

few drops yellow food color

Mix ingredients together and pour over cake.

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Camille McClanahan may be contacted via e-mail at camille@corsicanadailysun.com.

        

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