Published: August 28, 2008 12:06 am            

Some Olympic trivia

Well, the 2008 Summer Olympics are over! We now return your television to its normal programming — except for coverage of the national political conventions which are in a sports category all their own. It’s really a shame that the spirit of the Olympic Games won’t rub off on our political leaders as they compete for the gold.

I thought I would try to wow you with some no-need-to-know facts about these summer games. First of all, there were a mere 38 authorized Olympic sports this year but they evolved into 302 different medal events. I’ll bet, even if you watched every day, you would be hard pressed to name 100 of the events. Here are a few examples of how the 38 sports become 302 events.

In Athletics (Track and Field) there are a total of 47 different events and, if you separate the decathlon and the heptathlon, you get another 17 events. Did you ever see the walk-racers strut their stuff? These goofy folks fast-shuffle around the track in a posture that looks like they have crawly things in their shorts. The women suffer through this indignity for 20 kilometers but the men amazingly strut for 50 kilometers. Actually, I was on the Wiesbaden Air Base track team in Germany back in the day. I didn’t like it much because my event was bare-handed javelin catching.

There are 34 events in Swimming. If you multiply these events times all the qualifying heats required there had to be hundreds and hundreds of people in that pool over a very few days. I certainly hope they all remembered to tinkle before it was their turn to jump in and swim for God and country.

Even the sport of Shooting has 15 events — including four of them that involve shooting an air pistol or air rifle. Who knew that being able to shoot a BB-gun could get you into the Olympics? The only thing it ever got me was a spanking when I shot my brother or the neighbors’ chickens.

There were 204 countries that participated in this year’s games but only 87 of them came away with at least one medal. You have to feel sorry for some of the tiny countries that never win anything. I know I was rooting for Iceland to win the Team Handball on the final day — it would have been their first gold medal ever. Alas, they didn’t win and took home the bronze. I thought I was pretty good at Geography, but some of the countries’ locations have me stumped. Anyone know where Nauru is? How about Kiribati, Tuvalu, or Comoros? Then there’s Cote d’lvoire which sounds like a fancy appetizer like escargots or pate.

I certainly do admire the athleticism and physical conditioning these fine young athletes displayed before the world for the last two weeks. In contrast, I am a 69-year-old physical wreck whose body has become a chiropractor’s nightmare. That’s right, I have finally started to see a “bone-cracker” about getting rid of the pains and just leave me with the aches. It would be improper to say what the doctor’s name is but his initials are Vernon Bryder. Ooops!

I had some trepidation about my first visit to the good doc, but as I waited to see him, something happened that made him seem like a miracle worker. A little old lady went in first and I really felt sorry for her as she was completely bent over at the waist and shuffled slowly while leaning on her cane. Ten minutes later she emerged, walking completely erect with her head held high. I said, “That is an amazing transformation. What did the doctor do to get you walking so erect?” “Oh,” she said, “He gave me a longer cane.” You the man, Doc!

My visits to the doctor usually consist of two parts. Part one consists of an electronic massage (I call it the magic fingers machine) that kind of puts me in a mellow mood. Then one of his sweet staff members leads me back to the “dungeon” where the rack awaits. My dictionary describes “rack” as “… an instrument of torture… from the Inquisitions… limbs pulled in opposite direction…”

The inquisitors’ dungeons and the chiropractors’ dungeons are a study in contrasts. While the original racks had crude rollers, ropes, and cranks, the modern ones have springs, levers, and hydraulics. While the inquisitors had instruments of torture on the walls like whips, chains, and knives, the good doctor has a table of benign instruments like stethoscopes, reflex hammers, blood pressure cuffs, and Kleenex. While the inquisitors plied their heinous trade a fair distance from their victims, the chiropractor gets right on the rack with you in some pretty intimate positions. While the inquisitors motivation was to achieve confessions, the doctor wants to “make adjustments.”

Anyway, Doc Bryder is a really nice man and I know he has my best interests at heart. He has laid out a game plan to get me back to being more mobile and healthy and the plan involves us working in partnership. He will continue to work on my bad back and I will work on my big gut.

Did you hear about the new medical discipline called chiropractic psychiatry? It is where the doctor specializes in attitude adjustments.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine visits.

See ya later…

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Thursdays.

        

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