Published: October 01, 2008 10:17 pm            

The State Fair Blahs

As far as I’m concerned, if you have seen one state fair, you have seen them all. I know, I know, some of you folks love to go to the big doings in Dallas every fall, but I would rather take a “whuppin” than have to fight the traffic to and fro and those crowds. I am glad my grandson is not here as I know there would be some misguided moral obligation to schlep him on up there.

One thing about it, the Texas state fair is one of the biggest in the country, but after all this is Texas where everything is big. I remember, as a kid back in Connecticut, going to the Eastern States Exposition which may have been bigger than the Texas extravaganza, but it was put on jointly by all the New England states. I’ll always remember the thrill of attending a rodeo there when the King of the Cowboys, Roy Rogers, rode out to the center of the arena on Trigger. He had Trigger rear up on his hind legs, drew his six-shooter, and shot the spotlight out in the roof of the arena! Wow!

Going to the fair can be quite expensive if you are not careful, especially if your kids lead you straight to the midway area with its rides and food vendors who are hawking corney-dogs, funnel cakes, cotton candy, hot dogs, turkey legs, etc. You pay for all this by purchasing special coupons at 50 cents each. Rides will cost you a minimum of five coupons. Parking costs $10 for general parking and $25 for valet parking. Admission fees are kind of goofy. General admission for adults is $14 and $10 for children under 48 inches. I’ll bet a lot of parents tell their kids to scrunch down when they check their heights. It seems like they are discriminating against adolescent basketball players. Seniors over 60 also get in for $10 — no matter how tall they are. Tuesdays, you can get in for a mere $3 if you bring an empty Dr Pepper can. What’s up with that? On Wednesdays, bring three cans of food and you get in for a dollar. Then on Thursdays, those seniors get in for free and there is no charge for canes, walkers, and wheel chairs. The midway thrill ride for these folks is an escalator.

Actually there are a lot of fair highlights that cost nothing such as: a nightly Starlight Parade; circus acts at Gateway Plaza; guys who lay out thousands of dominos daily in intricate patterns and then topple them over; grips, grins, and photo-ops with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders; international dance troupes; the Wine Garden (my favorite); and a corney-dog eating contest.

The “Do Something Amazing Tour” is a traveling exhibit to provide a “glimpse into the world of the United States Air Force.” No thanks. After 27 years, three months, and sixteen days in the Air Force, I’ve had my fill of glimpses.

There’s the Livestock Exposition where you can get up close and personal with cattle, horses, sheep, goats, pigs, mules, donkeys, rabbits, and poultry. They actually have some special events entitled: “The Goat Costume Contest,” where the big problem is keeping the goats from eating their costumes; “The Junior Swine Show,” featuring cute pigs and ugly kids; and “The Barn Yard Olympics,” where the main event is the cow-patty toss.

For good or ill, the Texas State Fair is personified by two things — Big Tex and exotic fried foods. Big Tex got some new duds this year but he still looks like a 52-foot Texas-sized version of Howdy Doody with a voice like Mortimer Snerd. Oh, I only kid Big Tex. How about this year’s version of the fried food specialties? Could they be any worse for you? It seems like the basic requirement is to take some outrageously fat/caloric-laden goodie and then batter it and fry it. Here are just a few of this year’s features: chicken-fried bacon (thick sliced bacon, breaded, fried, and served with a side of ranch or honey mustard); fried banana split (balls of banana and honey peanut butter fried and then buried in caramel, chocolate syrup, and peanuts); Texas fried jelly beans (fried inside balls of funnel cake); deep fried s’mores (battered, and fried until tongue-burning gooey); fire and ice (fried pineapple ring topped with strawberries, syrup, and banana-flavored whipped cream frozen in liquid nitrogen—we’re talking hard chunks of smoking whipped cream); and chocolate-covered strawberry waffle balls (large strawberries, dipped in chocolate, then battered and fried).

Sharing the star billing with Big Tex this year is the “Boy King” Tutankhamum who has his own exhibition at the Dallas Museum of Art entitled “Tutankhamum and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs. He’s simply referred to as “King Tut” because even the Egyptians had a hard time pronouncing his name which looks like the bottom line of an eye chart. Anyway, in the Coliseum Market Place they have a 200-ton sand sculpture of the two of them, entitled “Big Tex Meets King Tut.” Additionally, in the Creative Arts Building there is an 800-pound butter sculpture of the “Boy King.” What a waste! What about using margarine or Crisco? That much butter could cover a piece of toast the size of Navarro County. I wonder what would happen if a terrorist sabotaged the cooling system in that area and King Tut started to ooze down all over the pyramids and sphinxes. And what the heck happens to all that butter at the end of the fair? I’ll bet you didn’t know the sculptor brought that butter down here in five gallon buckets from the Kansas State Fair. I guess it doesn’t have an expiration date.

I’ll close with an old story about Travis and Martha attending a county fair out in West Texas. The big attraction there was a crop duster who was offering 15-minute rides in his bi-plane for 25 dollars. Travis and Martha had never been up in an airplane and really wanted to try the big adventure. The problem was they had only budgeted 25 dollars for the whole visit to the fair and the ride would wipe them out. They argued the pros and cons quite vehemently until the pilot finally told them, “Listen, I will take you up and, if you can go the whole 15 minutes without talking or yelling, the ride will be free.” Travis and Martha readily agreed and climbed into the back seat. After he took off, the pilot put the plane through every loop and rollover he knew expecting to hear some screaming from the back, but not a sound was heard. After landing, he told Travis how surprised he was that nary a peep was uttered by them and Travis said, “Well, I almost yelled out during that last loop when Martha fell out, but 25 dollars is 25 dollars!”

See ya later…but not at the Fair.

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Thursdays.

        

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