Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

June 8, 2014

Celebrating the oldsters

By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun

— We must, must, must go to the news for this week’s updates of how crazy the world is. I begin with the robbery attempt of a convenience store in Moses Lake, Washington, where an 89-year-old woman used a golf club to beat off a would-be robber who had a sword, according to reports on KREM-TV/Spokane. She threatened him with scissors at first, but he grabbed the register and started to run, and so she began whacking at him in the legs with the golf club. (She couldn’t reach his head, he was too tall.) He tried to get away on a bike, but abandoned the cash register after a bit, the money still in it.

Stories like this delight me. I want to be one of those tough little old ladies that would take on a sword-wielding lazy bum with a golf club and beat his legs ‘till he can’t ride a bike. I think that’s why I like going to the Kinsloe House so much. I know that most of the women in there have an inner ninja just waiting for the right moment to pull out a driver or a tennis racquet and go to town on some young punk.

Sometimes, the cops don’t need tough old birds to take down the criminals, sometimes, the criminals take care of it themselves. For example, this past week, Anchorage, Alaska, police were called to a park because a man said he’d been robbed by some guys with a machete and mace, according to KTUU.com. While searching the park for the robbers, cops found one man hiding behinds some boards, and another guy crying and snotting everywhere, who apparently had maced himself.

Justice is sometimes instantaneous.

Just to remind you that older women still have it going on, the New York Daily News reported that a 113-year-old Chinese woman married her 70-year-old boyfriend in the nursing home in April. What charms did the oldest living cougar use to cradle-rob a guy 50 years younger than herself? According to the boyfriend, she takes good care of him and gives him some of her meat during meals.

So, it’s official. No matter what age, the way to a man’s heart really is his stomach.

And to not leave the young people out of it, there were two notable graduation pranks in the news this past week. The first was an attempt to sell the Wauwatosa East High School  in Wisconsin on Craigslist. It listed the eight-bedroom, nine-bath, 90,0000-square foot “mansion” with a dining room that can seat 1,000, for sale for $50,000, according to WISN.com. Harmless, and even the principal laughed and said he’d bid on it at that price.

Also harmless and funny was the group of Santa Barbara High School seniors who pooh-poohed the lame over-done pranks of vandalism and stupid destruction and hired a mariachi band to follow the principal around for an hour and a half.

They’re going to make great old people someday.

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Janet Jacobs is City Editor of the Corsicana Daily Sun. Her column appears on Saturdays. She may be reached via email at jjacobs@corsicanadailysun.com.