Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas


July 1, 2014

‘The View’ in turmoil

“The View,” — love it or loathe it — is one of the stalwarts of the TV morning talk show genre. However, the panel of eclectic women has imploded over the last few months. First of all, Elisabeth Hasselbeck took her right-wing radical self over to FOX News (go figure). Then ultra-liberal Joy Bahar retired from the show presumably to resume her standup comedy career and other pursuits.

Then, there was the year-long sentimental retirement journey for Barbara Walters who conceived the program back in 1997 and has been a co-producer and co-host until she finally hung it up in May of this year. However, she will still be in demand for her special “specials” and “celebrity interviews” for ABC.

Now, this week, it was announced that Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy would both be leaving at the end of this season. This will leave Whoopi Goldberg as the only remaining co-host. It will be a daunting task to rebuild the ensemble with personalities that will clash over the subjects of the day. You know, it would not be “The View,” if at least two women were not trying to shout one another down.

I have done exhaustive study on this subject and, at the risk of being a spoiler-alert, I provide the following as the most probable replacements. My inside show-business sources are usually pretty reliable so here goes:

First of all, they must keep Whoopee on board for her worldliness, if not for her looks. Let’s face it, if it’s true that your face is your fortune, then she is chock full of hard luck stories. She dresses like she was voted “Miss Rummage Sale of 2013,” wearing overlapping, flowing raiments that look like they are handoffs from Moms Mabley and Phyllis Diller. She also wears outrageous bejeweled gunboats that look like the “Ruby Brogans” from “The Wizard of Oz.” Top all this off with long dreadlocks and granny glasses and you have sweet Whoopi.

Quoth Whoopi: “My family is Jewish, Buddhist, Baptist, and Catholic. I don’t believe in man-made religions. ‘Normal’ is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine. Once, when you heard a politician say it was time to roll up our sleeves, it meant get down to business. Now, it’s for a fight. What the hell is going on? Senators flipping people off. Congressmen heckling the President, shouting that he lies. Political negativity has become toxic.”

They need Joan Rivers (“Can we talk?) on the panel to add comic relief. She picks on herself unmercifully and everyone else is fair game. “Never floss with a stranger! I hate housework! You make beds, you do the dishes and, six months later, you have to start all over again. All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window. I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. I was the last girl in Larchmont, New York, to get married. My mother had a sign up: ‘Last Girl Before Freeway!’ Don’t talk about Valentines Day — at my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” You gotta love Joanie.

The next new member is Roseanne Barr. This ex-domestic goddess has slimmed up and glammed up but she can still be as acerbic as ever. “A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego. I’m tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world. There is no real third party in America. There’s this one party that has two sides to it — the Democratic and Republican side. It’s one party that has two heads. I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.” No doubt about it — we need her incisive reasoning to even out the other radicals.

The fourth permanent member of “The View” is going to be Miley Cyrus. I know, I know, this seems like a real stretch but we need to add a little raunch and ditziness to the otherwise stately panel. Over the last few years, this 21-year-old phenom has morphed from the loveable “Hannah Montana” to an outrageous cross between Lady Gaga and Madonna. Although she suffers from “restless tongue syndrome” and toking,“I love weed” and “I just love getting stoned,” she will just “twerk” and “tongue” her way into everyone’s hearts.

So there you have it — the new lineup for “The View” in the upcoming season. To add to the intrigue, there is talk of possibly bringing back Rosie O’Donnell or even adding a permanent male co-host such as Michael Strahan. No need to talk about how controversial Rosie can be, but Michael is a sure bet to enhance the panel. He is a good-looking ex-jock who is very bright and articulate, even though he whistles when he talks because of the trademark gap in his front teeth. Michael is looking for a little more exposure since he is currently limited to co-hosting on “FOX NFL Sunday,” “ABC’s Good Morning America,” and the syndicated “LIVE, with Kelly and Michael.”

Just one dump from Grouch’s Guano Pile this week: Dear Algebra...please stop asking us to find your “X.” She’s not coming back and don’t ask us “Y.”

See ya...


Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays.

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