We have to go pretty far for the stupidest criminal stories of the week, but it’s worth the trip.
Dean Smith, 27, went into a Barclay’s bank in Treorchy, Wales, on April 15 to change his address, then returned 30 minutes later to rob the joint with a butter knife, according to Wales Online. It might have gone better if Smith hadn’t just given the teller his name and address, but maybe he thought that clever disguise of wearing sunglasses and socks over his shoes might throw them off the scent.
A 70-year-old standing next to Smith in line offered him about $33 to leave, but it wasn’t until the robber heard the bank people planning to emergency lock the doors that he ran away. After all thle excitement was over, they locked up and made the older guy a cup of tea.
The butter-knife bandit was caught, of course, and sentenced to two and a half years in prison this past week. Smith told the court that “It was stupid and he was very sorry.” He just really needed the money. You gotta wonder about that socks over his shoes thing, though.
OK, slight change of subject, but only slight: It has been my observation that the difference between Yankees and regular people is their willingness to say things our mamas would virtually smack us upside the head for if we said aloud.
So, for example, in Ypsilanti, Mich., some yahoo had been going to the bathroom — number 2 — on a playground slide in the public park all winter, even when the weather was frigidly cold and he was just as likely to sustain a serious and embarrassing frostbite injury in his efforts to be a disgusting vandal. He did it so often that the police gave him a nickname “the mystery pooper,” and set up a surveillance video camera to catch him. Before they nabbed him with his pants down, literally, someone put up a big billboard stating “Help us flush out the pooper,” on Interstate 94. The interstate, people. Imagine it.
The Ann Arbor News reported Wednesday that the police “made contact,” with the pooper and it has stopped just in time for warmer weather. The article is pretty funny, kind of making fun of the Ypsilantians, Ypsilantiites, Ypeses, whatever they call themselves, but the best line was that of a city councilman who said he hopes “we can just put this behind us.”
God bless our Yankee brethren for being willing to put it all out there — verbally, I mean.
Janet Jacobs may be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.