Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

May 28, 2013

Cynicism — part deux

By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun

— I remain cynical about a lot of things I read in the news these days. In their on-going game of international ping-pong, North Korea is now making overtures toward reducing the tensions between themselves and virtually everybody else in the world. They are negotiating these benign tidings through their big brother, China.

Something is wrong with this picture! First of all, North Korea not only wants to continue to get something for nothing, they want it gift-wrapped too. Whenever they start to make noises like they want to bury the hatchet, they’re really just digging up more dirt. And we can’t trust China as far as Korea can throw them. They are about as sleazy as the guy who bottles ashes from the crematorium and sells them to cannibals as Instant People.

Let’s take a quick look at North Korea who, according to a report I am reading “...is willing to make joint efforts with all parties to appropriately resolve related issues through multilateral dialogue and consultation like the six party talks, and maintain peace and stability on the peninsula.” I’m not quite sure what this gobble-di-gook means but it sounds like those “six-party” folks are a tall stack of pancakes and North Korea is pouring on the syrup.

This is a country with self-imposed isolation that has been led by the despotic Kim family dynasty for over a century. The first “Supreme Leader” of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea was Kim Il-sung. He begat the number two “Supreme Leader” who was Kim Jong-il. He definitely had a bulb or two out on his marquee but he begat Kim Jong-un who was even more of an eccentric. No one knew much about him until Kim Jong-il named him as his successor. I think they kept him locked away in the attic as much as possible.

Now, Kim Jong-un, who is about 29 or 30 years old (there is no official biography) is “supremely” leading about 25,000,000 souls. How about this for a statistic? North Korea has the fourth-largest army in the world. About one in every 25 North Koreans is in the military. Of course they have a certain core of elitists but the rest of the folks are so poor that, when it comes to food, there is no such word in their language as “leftovers.”

The cynic in me has come up with the perfect envoy to represent the United States in any “six-party” negotiations. Are you ready for this. It’s Dennis Rodman! Now think about it. Dennis has a lot going for him in such a role. He has traveled the world as a basketball player, wrestler, TV and movie celebrity, and as a self-designated ambassador of good will to the world including his will-publicized trip to North Korea.

We know he has all the attributes to be a good politician because he has managed to juggle several marriages (including Carmen Electra) and affairs (including Madonna) and he has had a plethora (that’s for you, Ron) of alcohol and legal issues.

There is one big drawback to Dennis’ appointment as our ambassador to the North Korean tete-a-tete — well, actually there are several. Dennis looks and dresses like something from a kindergarten finger-painting project. He has multi-colored hair and he has so many tats on his 6-foot, 7-inch body, he looks like an abandoned freight car that gangs have been tagging. The amount of metal rings, studs, and bolts stabbed into his person requires a catalog. The only thing he lacks is a Frankenstein bolt through his neck.

One has to cynically wonder what it is like when Dennis Rodman passes through an airport security station. When we travel, The Little Woman (she’s not warming up to that name) gets shuffled off for private frisking because she has artificial knees. If they treat a sweet, little, getting-on-in-age lady like that, what do they do with Dennis?

If they direct him to remove all metal objects from his person, he could fill a couple of those tubs. I suppose more than once, he has set the alarm off because he forgot the stud in his tongue or the stainless steel molly-anchor he has inserted in his navel. It must be quite a sight in the area where most guys are putting their shoes, wallet, and belt back on, Dennis is stabbing all that paraphernalia back onto and into his person. If it is like that barbecue grill that has “some assembly required,” I’ll bet he always ends up with at least one item left over.

At this point, I officially withdraw Dennis Rodman’s nomination for this position and leave you with this question. What the heck was Carmen Electra thinking?

See ya...

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com