By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun
What to get my father for Father’s Day is one of those no-win situations, like nuclear war or when you’re eating something someone worked really hard to cook but it’s awful. Lie and they poison their own family. Tell the truth and you’re an insensitive jerk. You’re toast, either way.
Dad has reached the age when candy and booze are a bad idea. A home-cooked meal is always cool, but we do that every couple of weeks anyway, so it’s not like it’s special anymore. I’ve tried talking him into letting us take him to Fogo de Chow in Dallas, a Brazilian restaurant I think he’d love, but he doesn’t like being in Dallas traffic, or being so far away from home when he could be out running around and doing stuff.
My sister and I offered to fly him to Alaska this summer, but he’s holding out hope that our nation’s largest state will break off, float down the West coast, around South America and back up and lodge somewhere more conveniently close, preferably just off Galveston. Because that is apparently more likely than getting him on an airplane.
The usual Dad stuff is also out. If he sees something he likes he just goes and buys it. I’d criticize, but I’m the same way. I know what I want, no guessing necessary. It just makes sense to buy your own gifts, even if it is party poopery.
This means no fishing gear, ties, cologne, shirts, hats, wallets, watches or slippers.
I’ve tried. Lord knows, I’ve tried.
For awhile, I got on this kick of giving him flashlights. We quickly went through the usual suspects — your standard big old Black and Deckers, your MagLites, and then I delved into the bizarre — the snake-lights and ones with fans and radios attached. The poor guy got flashlights for Christmas, his birthday and Father’s Day for at least two years, maybe three. It was pathetic. I knew I’d gone too far when my step-mom regifted one of them to me. Apparently, they had a room full of flashlights and didn’t know what to do with them all.
Then came the gift cards, the last defense of those with a feeble imagination. Gift cards to Home Depot, his favorite restaurants, etc. Hey, I like gift cards, personally, but they are weak.
So this year, it’s gonna be electronics. I haven’t decided yet if he’s getting a BluRay player or a Jitterbug. Either way, it won’t be what he wants.
What he really wants is for Alaska to break off and float to Houston.
Janet Jacobs is City Editor of the Daily Sun. Her column appears on Saturdays. She may be reached via email at
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