Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

February 15, 2013

Thank a Texan

By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun

— In case you were wondering, the Texan sitting next to you is a hero of the planet.

A European weather satellite reports that the hole in the ozone over the South Pole is getting smaller. The layer of ozone, which protects us from frying under the sun like ants under a magnifying glass, has been getting thinner and developing holes since the 1970s, but bans on CFCs in spray cans and air conditioners have evidently helped because now the hole is smaller than it has been in the last 10 years, according to the people who look at satellite pictures of holes for a living.

And who suffers more from wimpy hair spray and weak air conditioning than Texans? No one, that’s who. We deserve a medal.

There were a few weird criminal stories in the news this week, NONE of which involved anyone from Navarro County, or Texas in general, which chokes me up a little from pride, so I thought I’d share the wealth.

• A guy named John Wood, 37, was attacked in Wisbech, (in England) by four guys, whom he whomped while holding his take-out order of fish and chips in one hand. He kicked two of them in the knees, and punched the third. The fourth guy stabbed him in the chest with a screwdriver before he managed to get it away from the attacker and threw it away. He then drove home and ate dinner because who wants cold fried fish and fries? Nobody, especially the Chuck Norris of England. Afterwards, he drove himself to the hospital because he said the hole in his chest “felt odd.”

Well, yeah, a screwdriver to the chest will do that.

• An odd duck in Ontario is being sued because he plotted to steal a walrus from Marineland, according to QMI Agency news. The guy wanted to do a reality TV show called the Walrus Whisperer, but was rejected. The stealing of “Smooshi,” the walrus in question, wasn’t explained well.

I have a couple or a hundred questions about the plot, including to “how do you steal a walrus?” and “what do you do with it once you have it?” But none of those were evidently detailed in the lawsuit. Too sad.

• A registered sex offender from Hoquiam, Wash., was arrested for drilling holes in his neighbor’s ceiling and watching her from above. The guy got into the crawlspace above her apartment, then drilled the holes. It was her cats that gave it away. They started watching the watcher, which caused the woman to look up and see what was so interesting.

Finally, the cats rescue the girl.

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Janet Jacobs is City Editor of the Corsicana Daily Sun. Her column appears on Saturdays. She may be reached by email at jjacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com