By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun
The Little Woman (she dislikes that name) and I have been carefully tracking the Dallas weather in our daily paper and we really feel for you folks who have suffered through a prolonged drought and heat wave. On the average, we have stayed about 10 degrees cooler than you folks through the summer and have experienced a soaking rain shower almost every day. I am not trying to gloat, but we are very thankful to be in this climate and we are looking forward to the usual mild winter season. I hope I have not jinxed us with a month left on the hurricane season.
Some of our “snowbird” neighbors are starting to return. Their annual migration south is a phenomenon of nature much like the birds that are probably starting to pass through your neck-of-the-woods. One bird species that I hate to see down here is the grackle. I really thought we had left them in Texas, but our enclave here in The Isles has a ton of them screeching around our little lake every evening.
Without intending to rub salt in your wounds and with an intent to bring a smile, I now present a litany of one-liners (some old and some really old) about the weather in Texas. Cheers!
You know you are in Texas when: you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water; you can say it is 109 degrees without fainting; you break into a sweat when you step outside at 7:30 a.m. to go to work; you can make sun tea instantly; hot water comes out of both taps; you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off; and when the temperature drops to 89 degrees, you feel kind of chilly.
But wait, there’s more! Here is some trash about driving in Texas: you would never dream of putting vinyl upholstery in your car or not having air conditioning; every summer, you learn to drive your car with two fingers; you learn that the seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron; you use pot holders to open the car door; you discover you can get a severe sunburn through the car window; the best parking spaces are determined by shade and not distance; and you discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
Bur wait, there’s even more! It is so hot and dry in Texas that: the cows are giving evaporated milk; roadrunners are pulling worms out of the ground using pot holders; farmers are feeding the chickens shaved ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs; it’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs; and potatoes are cooking under the ground — all you have to do for lunch is pull one out, dust it off, and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Oh no, there’s more! How would you describe the heat in Texas? It is hotter than Ben Gay on a jockstrap! It is hot enough to smoke meat! It is hotter than a bug on a light bulb! It is hotter than fish grease! It is so hot, the lawn furniture is standing on one leg!
A Yankee visitor asked a Texas cowboy, “Doesn’t it ever rain around these parts?” The cowboy replied, “Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was busy and couldn’t go.” Different Yankee visitor, different Texas rancher. “Does it ever rain around these parts?” The rancher quickly replies, “Why yes it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights? The visitor replied, “Yes, I am familiar with Noah’s flood.” “Well,” said the rancher, “We got about 2 1/2 inches during that spell.”
This summer, it has been so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks. It got so bad that, in parts of Texas, they were baptizing folks with Dr Pepper. Here is a sad prayer offered up by Texan: “Oh Lord, I pray for a little rain around these parts — not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it — but for my 7-year old son. Amen.”
I’ll close with a couple of my observations about the weather in and around Texas. Daylight Savings Time in the Texas Gulf area just means an extra hour of rain. West Texas stays windy all the time because Oklahoma sucks and creates a tremendous vacuum. North Texas has four distinct seasons: early summer, summer, late summer, and Christmas.
Now that I have offended all my old dear friends and neighbors, let me close with this bit of advice. Don’t ever come down here for the winter because there is no winter here.
Gotta go now, it is Sunday and I’ve got to get ready for the “Big Game”...as I am finishing this, it is halftime and I must say that both quarterbacks have been outstanding...the second half should be a real barn-burner!
Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: firstname.lastname@example.org