Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Opinion

June 23, 2013

Trust us, we’re the newspaper

OK, let’s start with the important news: That Cap’n Crunch is not wearing the correct insignia to be a captain. In fact, he’s wearing a commander’s stripes on his uniform.

This is hilarious because a) this means that someone in the Navy is eating kids’ cereal; and b) that someone is unclear about the distinction between cartoons and reality.

I understand. Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch was a staple in my life well into my 30s, when I realized that puffed corn and sugar were not necessarily a great idea for breakfast and dinner. Hey, I lived alone! Gimme a break. So, I’m totally accepting of the idea of the Navy eating it, although I draw the line at Seal Team Six. I need some illusions in this world.

Anyway, blurring that line between fiction and reality is what we do on a daily basis. I don’t care if you’re watching “Duck Dynasty,” or “Vampire Diaries,” there’s a blending there of reality and fantasy that’s meant to put you at ease about this show.

Listen to the radio? Do you really think these funny, bright people sit around their office talking about all that stuff and making jokes spontaneously? Believe me, they’re working, and it’s not all fun and games. The humor mines are not pretty, people. I’ve spent hours in bizarre news stories up to my elbows, digging for something amusing only to end up with 20 of the same “nude guy does something drunkenly stupid,” stories. It’s harder than it looks, believe me.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the only people you can believe in are the newspaper people. Unfortunately, we have no sense of humor.

Speaking of which, did you hear about the drunken nude guy from Australia who knocked over some portable toilets, peed on his hands and then flicked his fingers at the park rangers? Yeah, the judge told him he had to quit drinking and he asked for jail instead, according to a story in the NY Daily News. Dude, do you think they’re going to give you booze in jail? Well, maybe in Australia...

Then we have the guy from South Dakota who got drunk on cough syrup stolen from Walmart and allegedly killed an old lady to steal her car while praying to Lucifer as part of a larger plot to kill the president while playing golf. Just to be clear, the president was playing golf, not the cough-syrup-drinking Satan worshipper.

Anyway, he got caught, confessed, and is now facing a possible death sentence. This week, he complained to the Argus Leader (a newspaper in South Dakota) that he’s being unfairly treated by the media: “I’m tired of being conveyed to the public as if I’m some kind of monster. It feels like a joke,” he said.

Well, that’s just ridiculous. It would only be funny if he’d been nude and drunk on stolen cough syrup while praying to the devil, stealing cars and dodging golf balls to kill the president.

We’re the newspaper. We take this stuff seriously.

         —————

Janet Jacobs is City Editor of the Daily Sun. Her column appears on Saturdays. She may be reached by email at

jjacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email:

soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com

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