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There’s just too much stupidity to ignore anymore, so let’s focus once again on dumb criminals this week.
An 18-year-old pleaded guilty this week and faces 15 years in prison and $250,000 in fines for screwing up a carjacking last March, according to the Star Ledger of Newark, N.J. The kid stole a Porsche 911 by forcing the driver out at gunpoint, but then tried to outrun the police on foot because he couldn’t work the stick-shift transmission and stalled the car.
I think I speak for everyone over the age of 40 when I say that he needed to get caught.
An Atlanta man shot a would-be robber when the moron, sorry, suspect, put down his gun to search his victim’s pockets, according to WSBTV.com. The incident happened Sunday when two robbers approached two roommates as they were coming into their house. One of the roomies, who I suspect will soon be homeless, ran away, leaving the homeowner standing there facing a gun. While searching the homeowner’s pockets, the lead robber put down the gun, the man grabbed for it, they struggled, and someone got shot twice, but it wasn’t the homeowner. Both robbers then ran away.
Police didn’t find the wounded man, but we can hope the robber’s friend is more loyal than the homeowner’s friend.
An Orlando, Fla., man who asked to buy some pot from seven random guys last weekend at an apartment complex considered one of the most dangerous addresses in the city lost his $42 and his pants when he was robbed at gunpoint, according to the Orlando Sentinel.
Yes, the victim deserved to pay the Stupid-Guy Tax, but I’m more interested in the thought processes of the robbers. Let’s assume they’re pals and split the proceeds of the crime evenly. This means they risked felony prison time for $6 and the chance to wear a pair of stolen pants one day a week.
And when you share an article of clothing with six other thugs do you trust them to have washed the pants before passing them along, or must you do laundry before enjoying your ill-gotten goods? Is there that much bleach in the world? If criminals have dirty hands, what must their less public parts be like? And would you want to wear the pants on Sunday, after the pants have been out partying and lying discarded on presumably dirty floors, or would you prefer to get the pants on Tuesday after they’ve had a chance to air out?
This is exactly why I am unsuited to a life of crime. It’s just too complicated.
Janet Jacobs is City Editor of the Daily Sun. Her column appears on Saturdays. She may be reached via email at email@example.com. Want to “soundoff” to this article? Email: firstname.lastname@example.org