Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Opinion

January 15, 2013

Into the past...

Let me open this rant by saying that, for the next several weeks, you will be getting regurgitated versions of stuff I wrote many years ago for the now defunct Navarro County Star. Back then, I wrote mainly anecdotes, puns, and witticisms that I had collected over the years to go in my never-published joke book entitled, “2001 One-liners for Every Occasion.” You will doubtlessly observe that my prose back then was more goofy, corny, and herky-jerky and not nearly as mature, suave, and erudite as the musings of my renaissance years. For what it is worth, here comes Installment Number One:

Why Husbands and Wives Argue

The following are a few of my observations on why husbands and wives argue. I have absolutely no credentials to offer in support of these rantings, except that, come this August, my wife and I will be celebrating 30 years of marital bliss. That is pretty good considering we will have been married only 43 years. I am also writing a marriage manual entitled, “Stuff That Will Change When You Get Married.”

First of all, we must face the fact that men and women have vast differences in their makeups. A man, by and large, is a simple creature who requires very little to be content — a big screen TV, a good dog, a good gun, a good pick-em-up truck, an occasional night out with the boys, and a good, loyal wife (not necessarily in that order).

A woman, on the other hand, is a truly complex human being with monumental issues to deal with that are unique to her gender: parallel parking; impulse shopping; buying a new bathing suit; toilet seat lids; nothing to wear; and coping with a husband who resembles a reclining chair that burps.

Lack of effective communication is the cause of most arguments between husbands and wives. For instance, my wife claims I never listen to her. At least, I think that’s what she says. Some couples I know never communicate at all — they just leave Ann Landers notes on the refrigerator for each other.

My wife and I can’t even agree on our vacation — I want to go to Hawaii and she wants to go with me. However, long ago we vowed never to go to bed mad at each other. One time last year, we stayed up for four nights straight. We still argue all the time but, after seeing a counselor, we now call it “sharing.” I must admit that our last argument was my fault. She asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

Here is a typical dialogue between my wife and me: She says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself!” I let her do it herself and she gets mad. I say, “Now what are you made about?” She says, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!” And, we’re off again...

Will Rogers once said, “There are two theories on arguing with a woman — neither works.” How true! When a woman is listening to reason, she’s usually thinking of ways to refute it.

I will say that my wife (I didn’t refer to her as The Little Woman back then) does appreciate good advice — as long as she’s the one giving it. And I just hate it when she gives me the silent treatment and that look that says, “What was I thinking?”

Let me close with three pieces of advice for you husbands out there. Number one: Try to watch “The View” on television and read “Cosmopolitan” magazine — it’s like studying the other team’s game plan. Number two: When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It is much easier to eat crow while it’s still warm. Number three: Always let your wife have the last word in an argument. Anything you may say after that is the start of another argument.

Didn’t I tell you it was goofy, corny, and herky-jerky? Speaking of which, I’ll close with some corny but cute bits of punography: I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid, but he claims he can stop any time (ooh!). I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down (ouch!). When you get a bladder infection, urine real trouble (just stop it!)

See ya...

          —————

Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com

1
Text Only
Opinion
  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg When 'breaking news' was fragile

    The lesson, hammered by countless journalism teachers for century(s), was intended to be cattle-branded into minds of aspiring writers who would go forth to inform readers about what’s going on in the world. And it was emphasized that “getting it right” was preferable to “getting it first.”

    April 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dick Platt 2014.jpg Highly questionable

    As you have probably surmised, I am just about addicted to my TV, and especially to jock shows throughout the day. I usually start my day with a couple hours of “Imus in the Morning,” just to broaden my horizons in the areas of politics, investments, current events, show business, and a plethora of other topics

    April 21, 2014 1 Photo

  • Janet Jacobs Technology versus common sense

    The gadgets of the future will include an internet-assisted backyard grill, according to news accounts this past week.

    April 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • Belcher, Bob.jpg Salute to 'Mr. Derrick Days'

    I can’t help but think back to the “near-death experience” that Derrick Days had 14 years ago, and how one man’s determination brought it back.

    April 18, 2014 1 Photo

  • Bill Tinsley Resurrection

    I was 29-years-old when my father died of multiple myeloma, cancer of the bone marrow.  He was 53 years of age. Only hours before his death, I spoke with him. Our eyes met during that final visit, the same eye contact we had shared from my birth.

    April 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg It’s about time

    Some aspect of time steals quietly into our psyche in all conscious moments, and our use or abuse of it is central to much poetry, lyrics, scripts, conversations — you name it.

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dick Platt 2014.jpg The Wonderlic Test

    Did you hear the one about Texas A&M’s “Johnny Football” Manziel testing better than all the other quarterbacks in this year’s NFL Scouting Combine? No, this is not the start of an Aggie joke.

    April 14, 2014 1 Photo

  • deannakirk.jpg Work Out? Bite your tongue!

    I've shared this before, but it bears repeating. I'm a lot like my late, dear Daddy … whose idea of “working out” was a good, brisk sit.
    Amen, Daddy. Me too.

    April 11, 2014 1 Photo

  • Letters to the Editor for Saturday, April 12, 2014

    Thanks for service
    To the Editor: The Blooming Grove Elementary School would like to express appreciation to several individuals and businesses that for three years have provided a “free” vision exam and eyeglasses for many of our students.

    April 11, 2014

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg Uncle Mort: For the Birds

    Personal experiences racked up across three-quarters of a century — including yips and yaps at lecterns spanning five decades — offer positive proof that many times, utter silence is preferable to spoken words.

    April 9, 2014 1 Photo

AP Video
U.S. Paratroopers in Poland, Amid Ukraine Crisis US Reviews Clemency for Certain Inmates Raw: Violence Erupts in Rio Near Olympic Venue Raw: Deadly Bombing in Egypt Raw: What's Inside a Commercial Jet Wheel Well Raw: Obama Arrives in Japan for State Visit Raw: Anti-Obama Activists Fight Manila Police Motels Near Disney Fighting Homeless Problem Michigan Man Sees Thanks to 'bionic Eye' Obama to Oso: We'll Be Here As Long As It Takes Bon Jovi Helps Open Low-income Housing in Philly S.C. Man Apologizes for Naked Walk in Wal-Mart New Country Music Hall of Fame Inductees Named 'Piles' of Bodies in South Sudan Slaughter SCOTUS Hears Tv-over-Internet Case Chief Mate: Crew Told to Escape After Passengers
Featured Ads
Twitter Updates