By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun
Let me open this rant by saying that, for the next several weeks, you will be getting regurgitated versions of stuff I wrote many years ago for the now defunct Navarro County Star. Back then, I wrote mainly anecdotes, puns, and witticisms that I had collected over the years to go in my never-published joke book entitled, “2001 One-liners for Every Occasion.” You will doubtlessly observe that my prose back then was more goofy, corny, and herky-jerky and not nearly as mature, suave, and erudite as the musings of my renaissance years. For what it is worth, here comes Installment Number One:
Why Husbands and Wives Argue
The following are a few of my observations on why husbands and wives argue. I have absolutely no credentials to offer in support of these rantings, except that, come this August, my wife and I will be celebrating 30 years of marital bliss. That is pretty good considering we will have been married only 43 years. I am also writing a marriage manual entitled, “Stuff That Will Change When You Get Married.”
First of all, we must face the fact that men and women have vast differences in their makeups. A man, by and large, is a simple creature who requires very little to be content — a big screen TV, a good dog, a good gun, a good pick-em-up truck, an occasional night out with the boys, and a good, loyal wife (not necessarily in that order).
A woman, on the other hand, is a truly complex human being with monumental issues to deal with that are unique to her gender: parallel parking; impulse shopping; buying a new bathing suit; toilet seat lids; nothing to wear; and coping with a husband who resembles a reclining chair that burps.
Lack of effective communication is the cause of most arguments between husbands and wives. For instance, my wife claims I never listen to her. At least, I think that’s what she says. Some couples I know never communicate at all — they just leave Ann Landers notes on the refrigerator for each other.
My wife and I can’t even agree on our vacation — I want to go to Hawaii and she wants to go with me. However, long ago we vowed never to go to bed mad at each other. One time last year, we stayed up for four nights straight. We still argue all the time but, after seeing a counselor, we now call it “sharing.” I must admit that our last argument was my fault. She asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”
Here is a typical dialogue between my wife and me: She says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself!” I let her do it herself and she gets mad. I say, “Now what are you made about?” She says, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!” And, we’re off again...
Will Rogers once said, “There are two theories on arguing with a woman — neither works.” How true! When a woman is listening to reason, she’s usually thinking of ways to refute it.
I will say that my wife (I didn’t refer to her as The Little Woman back then) does appreciate good advice — as long as she’s the one giving it. And I just hate it when she gives me the silent treatment and that look that says, “What was I thinking?”
Let me close with three pieces of advice for you husbands out there. Number one: Try to watch “The View” on television and read “Cosmopolitan” magazine — it’s like studying the other team’s game plan. Number two: When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It is much easier to eat crow while it’s still warm. Number three: Always let your wife have the last word in an argument. Anything you may say after that is the start of another argument.
Didn’t I tell you it was goofy, corny, and herky-jerky? Speaking of which, I’ll close with some corny but cute bits of punography: I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid, but he claims he can stop any time (ooh!). I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down (ouch!). When you get a bladder infection, urine real trouble (just stop it!)
Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: email@example.com