Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

January 25, 2013

Morons in the news, again

By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun

— We had to go to Colombia to get this week’s version of stupid criminals. Three burglars broke into a convenience store in the town of Juan de Acosta, stole rum, canned tuna, sardines, oil, and rice and loaded them onto a 10-year-old stolen donkey named Xavi. Except, Xavi didn’t want to play and began braying, which is evidently beast of burden for “police, help,” and the thieves fled, according to the (London) Telegraph.

The donkey spent 12 hours in the police station before his owner came to get him.

Here’s my question: Did they put him in the impound yard, or the evidence room? So many questions, so few answers.

And then there’s the story that was right here in River City, when three geniuses showed up at the Navarro County Jail and ended up getting arrested for more serious crimes than they’d committed the first time. Two were trying to smuggle in drugs, while the third one just showed up skunk-drunk. They had misdemeanor offenses to start with and only had to serve the weekend behind bars, but showing up to the jail like that meant felonies.

I’m sorry if these particular rocket scientists are your cousins, brothers, sons or dads, but trying to smuggle drugs into jail? Showing up drunk to go to jail? Hopefully they’re attractive, because brains are not going to get them far in this life.

In keeping with the theme of animals and police, The Wichita Eagle reported this week about some mice that chewed into and nested into bags of marijuana in the Wichita Police Department.

This is an actual quote from Lt. Doug Nolte, possibly the coolest cop in Kansas: “We’ve got some mice that are stoners.” The bags came from some 2009 cases, and the clerks weighed what was left and resealed them. It’s unclear if this will help anyone convicted of possession, although having mice eat your evidence should be a kind of “get out of jail free,” card.

Speaking of... OK, there’s no way to segue into this next one, so I’ll just say it — a Canadian called the police because his date stood him up. The story comes to us from the QMI Agency newsservice, and was reported on the SunNews of Canada. So this Montreal guy had been talking to this chick on-line and they agreed to meet in Barrie, north of Toronto for the first time. He arrived, no girl, so he called 911 to have the cops track her down and demand an explanation. When he was chastised about misusing 911, he yelled at the cop.

This is all I can say about his mysterious on-line girlfriend: Smart girl.


Janet Jacobs may be reached via e-mail at Want to “sound off” to this article? E-mail: