Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Opinion

May 13, 2013

Flying the “Delta Connector”

Corsicana — I had an unfortunate fall earlier this week and wrecked my back to the point where I cannot spend much time sitting up at my desk to write. Therefore, I am recycling a piece I wrote many years ago about our first trip from Corsicana back to Denver. It went like this:

At the end of April, we flew up to Denver to visit our dear friends and reinforce our decision to move down here to retire. Once we observed the population and traffic growth around our old stomping grounds, Corsicana began to look all the better to us. We even had four inches of snow on the ground on May 1 to remind us of the good old days. Anyway, our flight went something like this.

Our trip to the airport was uneventful and I even found a parking spot in the South Remote lot. We checked in at Concourse E and then the fun began. In order to get to our plane, we had to travel about five miles underground to get to the area labeled “Compact Plane Parking.” Then we had to go down some stairs and walk about 300 yards across the tarmac to get to our plane. It was a cute little aircraft that had about 60 seats packed into an area about the size of our dining room.

We actually left the gate area a few minutes early to allow us time to taxi back to where the regular-sized planes were parked. As we were taxiing, the first of many really funny announcements was made. At least I think they were funny, but then you already know I have a weird sense of humor. The flight attendant said, “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying the Delta Connector. We sincerely hope that you will enjoy giving us the business as much as we enjoy taking you for a ride. Remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Delta Airlines.”

The safety briefing went something like this: “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only three ways out of this airplane so please check to see where your nearest exit is.

“In the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, a bunch of little margarine tubs will drop down from the ceiling. As soon as the screaming dies down, grab a margarine tub and place it over your face. If you are traveling with a child, or someone just acting childish, put your margarine tub on first and then assist them. If you are traveling with more than one child, pick your favorite.”

After we got airborne, the Captain chimed in, “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight. We will be reaching our cruising height of 30,000 feet and, at that time, we’ll be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

Later on, he made another announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain again. The weather ahead looks good so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and enjoy the flight. OH MY GOD, NO!...” After several minutes of silence, he came back on and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but, while I was talking, a flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” The guy across the aisle from me said, “That’s nothing, he should see the back of mine!”

Later he announced, “The weather in Denver is 55 degrees with some broken clouds. We’ll try to have them fixed before we land.” Bigger than life, when we got to Denver International Airport, there was a lot of turbulence around the Rockies and the pilot had a real struggle to get us down.

After a really rough landing, here came that flight attendant again: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Denver. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of the airplane to the gate. Once Captain Crash has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate, the tire smoke has cleared, and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the debris to the terminal.”

As the plane finally was coming to a stop at the gate, the Captain was again on the loudspeaker yelling, “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!” This was quickly followed by the attendant: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartment because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted. As you exit the plane, make sure you gather all your belongings, paying particular attention to children and spouses. Once again, we thank you for flying with us today and we hope you will choose Delta Airlines the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube.”

As we were exiting the plane, the Captain was shamefacedly wishing everyone well and thanking us for flying Delta. A little old lady in front of me stopped and asked, “Hey, Sonny, do you mind answering a question for me?” When he said, “Why no Ma’am, what is it?” She said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

See ya...

—————

Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com

 

1
Text Only
Opinion
  • Belcher, Bob.jpg Salute to 'Mr. Derrick Days'

    I can’t help but think back to the “near-death experience” that Derrick Days had 14 years ago, and how one man’s determination brought it back.

    April 18, 2014 1 Photo

  • Bill Tinsley Resurrection

    I was 29-years-old when my father died of multiple myeloma, cancer of the bone marrow.  He was 53 years of age. Only hours before his death, I spoke with him. Our eyes met during that final visit, the same eye contact we had shared from my birth.

    April 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg It’s about time

    Some aspect of time steals quietly into our psyche in all conscious moments, and our use or abuse of it is central to much poetry, lyrics, scripts, conversations — you name it.

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dick Platt 2014.jpg The Wonderlic Test

    Did you hear the one about Texas A&M’s “Johnny Football” Manziel testing better than all the other quarterbacks in this year’s NFL Scouting Combine? No, this is not the start of an Aggie joke.

    April 14, 2014 1 Photo

  • deannakirk.jpg Work Out? Bite your tongue!

    I've shared this before, but it bears repeating. I'm a lot like my late, dear Daddy … whose idea of “working out” was a good, brisk sit.
    Amen, Daddy. Me too.

    April 11, 2014 1 Photo

  • Letters to the Editor for Saturday, April 12, 2014

    Thanks for service
    To the Editor: The Blooming Grove Elementary School would like to express appreciation to several individuals and businesses that for three years have provided a “free” vision exam and eyeglasses for many of our students.

    April 11, 2014

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg Uncle Mort: For the Birds

    Personal experiences racked up across three-quarters of a century — including yips and yaps at lecterns spanning five decades — offer positive proof that many times, utter silence is preferable to spoken words.

    April 9, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dick Platt 2014.jpg One-liners

    For many years, in a previous life, I had somewhat of a reputation as a master-of-ceremonies and I stayed relatively busy at that avocation. I never met a microphone I didn’t like

    April 7, 2014 1 Photo

  • Deanna Kirk mug Gotta love a small town

    There's so many things to love about living in a small town. Why just last week I got to hang out with my ex-husband, his folks, his wife and baby at the Youth Expo. Then just a day later, I got to see my other ex-husband and his wife at the hospital, when one of our daughters got sick and landed there.

    April 4, 2014 1 Photo

  • Jacobs, Janet.jpg Weird foods on our shelves

    The Atlantic magazine reported recently that sales of frozen pre-packaged dinners are falling and Nestle is considering selling off its Lean Cuisine food line.

    April 4, 2014 1 Photo