Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Opinion

May 17, 2013

Dumb people in the news

Corsicana — In the news this week was an on-line press release from the Department of Environmental Protection for the state of Pennsylvania that they’ve lost a nuclear device off the back of a truck somewhere between Pennsylvania and West Virginia. The Troxler Model 3430 is a radioactive gauge that takes measurements in the ground. The press release from the DEP states that anyone finding the box should not “tamper” with it.

OK, so between the Amish in Pennsylvania and the hillbillies of West Virginia, who’s more likely to read the Internet-posted notice of “you’ll become a human Lite-Brite if you mess with that mysterious box?”

That is not going to end well.

Speaking of unhappy endings, there’s a story of a Kentucky guy who last Sunday ran away to live in the grocery store.

The guy hid inside the Mount Washington, KY., ValuMarket, and had his own little spree, according to the TV station WAVE3.

He drank a bunch of beer, smoked some cigarettes, cooked and ate six steaks with shrimp and topped it all off by devouring a birthday cake.

The on-line article didn’t say whether or not it was someone’s particular birthday cake. I mean, was it John’s 3rd Birthday cake decorated with dinosaurs or clowns, or Emily’s 9th Birthday, covered with unicorns and rainbows, or was it one of those generic birthday cakes that you run in and buy when you forgot to order one and you’re stricken with guilt? These are the kinds of questions that haunt me in the middle of the night.

Anyway, that wasn’t the height of the evening for this guy. No, that was when he went through 57 cans of Redi-Whip whipped cream. Presumably, he was huffing the accelerant, not eating the foamy cream, although the story didn’t specify.

He also peed his own pants and had to change, although it was unclear if the grocery sold underwear. For all I know, he covered himself in canned whipped cream.

Exhausted after all that fun, he climbed up into the rafters and fell asleep, and I have to wonder why. Did he think the employees wouldn’t notice that someone had cooked inside the store, sucked down the beer and huffed up the dessert toppings? The fire department had to be called to get him down so the cops could arrest him.

Explain that one to your mom, dude.

             —————

Janet Jacobs may be reached via e-mail at jjacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “sound off” to this article? E-mail: Soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com

 

1
Text Only
Opinion
  • Deanna Kirk The times, they are a-changin

    A gentleman called our office early in the week, more than a bit upset.

    August 1, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg Flipping out over flip-tops

    Somewhere between the admonition to avoid looks at gift horse’s mouths and the dangers of Greeks bearing gifts should be warnings about acceptance of gifts from offspring.

    July 30, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dick Platt 2014.jpg ‘Spilling doze count’

    My subject is borrowed from a local contributor to the Sarasota Herald Tribune named Bob Parkinson.

    July 28, 2014 1 Photo

  • Deanna Kirk Water Park woes

    I’ve come to the realization that vacations are not a luxury, they’re a necessity.

    July 25, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg Old, new, borrowed, blue

       Dissection of notes found in the pocket of an old suit isn’t easy. Maybe they were scrawled during the lull in a wedding ceremony, or to jog my memory of a joke for later use.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dick Platt 2014.jpg Spam french fries

    I saw a relatively disturbing video and article on Yahoo which touted making Spam French fires to go alongside your big old ground chuck burger. I just can’t imagine a basket full of these deep-fried cholesterol-loaded sticks, but there they were, bigger than Texas.

    July 22, 2014 1 Photo

  • Janet Jacobs Dumb and dumber in the blotter

    When it comes to dumb criminals, nothing beats the would-be gang of car burglars who tried to break into a car in Tampa, Florida, this past week.

    July 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • Belcher, Bob.jpg ‘Change’ — old "buzz word" shows up in our town

    If you pay much attention when you’re driving around town lately (and I really hope that you do — pay attention, that is) you can’t help but admit we’ve seen some “change” as of late. And, contrary to the political connotations that word will forever carry with it now, that “change” we’re seeing is good.

    July 18, 2014 1 Photo

  • Bill Tinsley Germany present and past

    Last Sunday evening my wife and I stood on the balcony of our apartment in Nuremberg and watched as fireworks lit up the sky.

    July 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Dr Don Newbury 2014.jpg Where strawberries are king

    In 1949, when Stilwell, Oklahoma’s “Strawberry Festival” was just one year old, crooners were applauded when they cut loose with Dear Hearts and Gentle People.

    July 16, 2014 1 Photo

AP Video
Renewed Violence Taking Toll on Gaza Residents 2 Americans Detained in North Korea Seek Help US Employers Add 209K Jobs, Rate 6.2 Pct House GOP Optimistic About New Border Bill Gaza Truce Unravels; Israel, Hamas Trade Blame Raw: Tunisia Closes Borders With Libya Four Rescued From Crashed Plane Couple Channel Grief Into Soldiers' Retreat WWI Aviation Still Alive at Aerodrome in NY Raw: Rescuers at Taiwan Explosion Scene Raw: Woman Who Faced Death Over Faith in N.H. Clinton Before 9-11: Could Have Killed Bin Laden Netanyahu Vows to Destroy Hamas Tunnels Obama Slams Republicans Over Lawsuit House Leaders Trade Blame for Inaction
Featured Ads
Twitter Updates