Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

May 17, 2013

Dumb people in the news

By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun

Corsicana — In the news this week was an on-line press release from the Department of Environmental Protection for the state of Pennsylvania that they’ve lost a nuclear device off the back of a truck somewhere between Pennsylvania and West Virginia. The Troxler Model 3430 is a radioactive gauge that takes measurements in the ground. The press release from the DEP states that anyone finding the box should not “tamper” with it.

OK, so between the Amish in Pennsylvania and the hillbillies of West Virginia, who’s more likely to read the Internet-posted notice of “you’ll become a human Lite-Brite if you mess with that mysterious box?”

That is not going to end well.

Speaking of unhappy endings, there’s a story of a Kentucky guy who last Sunday ran away to live in the grocery store.

The guy hid inside the Mount Washington, KY., ValuMarket, and had his own little spree, according to the TV station WAVE3.

He drank a bunch of beer, smoked some cigarettes, cooked and ate six steaks with shrimp and topped it all off by devouring a birthday cake.

The on-line article didn’t say whether or not it was someone’s particular birthday cake. I mean, was it John’s 3rd Birthday cake decorated with dinosaurs or clowns, or Emily’s 9th Birthday, covered with unicorns and rainbows, or was it one of those generic birthday cakes that you run in and buy when you forgot to order one and you’re stricken with guilt? These are the kinds of questions that haunt me in the middle of the night.

Anyway, that wasn’t the height of the evening for this guy. No, that was when he went through 57 cans of Redi-Whip whipped cream. Presumably, he was huffing the accelerant, not eating the foamy cream, although the story didn’t specify.

He also peed his own pants and had to change, although it was unclear if the grocery sold underwear. For all I know, he covered himself in canned whipped cream.

Exhausted after all that fun, he climbed up into the rafters and fell asleep, and I have to wonder why. Did he think the employees wouldn’t notice that someone had cooked inside the store, sucked down the beer and huffed up the dessert toppings? The fire department had to be called to get him down so the cops could arrest him.

Explain that one to your mom, dude.

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Janet Jacobs may be reached via e-mail at jjacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “sound off” to this article? E-mail: Soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com