Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Opinion

June 2, 2014

Being 50-plus

The Good Wife showed me a pullout from the April AARP Bulletin which I thought was kind of humorous. The page was entitled, “You Might as Well Laugh...Some of the best punch lines about being 50-plus.” It featured caricatures of a bunch of celebrities with dialogue balloons that went like this (with additional unsolicited comments from yours truly):

Conan O’Brien: “New research has indicated something called ‘male menopause,’ where men get fatter and lose interest in sex. Of course it’s also known as football season.” I have often said that male menopause is more fun than female menopause — females gain weight and get hot flashes while males start to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Whoopie Goldberg: “I don’t look like Halle Barry. But chances are she’s going to end up looking like me.” Oh perish the thought! Whoopie has that worn out, spread out, and fall out look. When it comes to body language, Halle will always have a better vocabulary than Whoopie. Halle is almost 48 years old but she still wears jeans so tight, if she had a quarter in her back pocket, you could tell if it’s heads or tails!

Jay Leno: “The economy’s so bad women in Beverly Hills are telling their real age just to get the AARP discount.” Even in Beverly Hills, where many women have attained a black belt in shopping, the ladies are learning the hard, frustrating lesson of trying to keep appearances up and costs down. Their reality is money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Joan Rivers: “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” This is precious! Joan will be the first to tell you that her birthday suit has way too much material and that material needs to be ironed often. In fact, as she so eloquently puts it, “My face has been tucked in more times than a bed sheet at Holiday Inn.” My advice is that it’s time to quit cosmetic surgery when you look permanently frightened.

Bill Cosby: “Immortality is a long shot, I admit; but somebody has to be the first.” At age 76, Bill is well on his way to reaching immortality. Wait a minute, that’s just a year older than I am and I am really feeling my mortality these days. I have the same philosophy on aging as Bill Cosby in three areas. First, birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest. Secondly, there are two things we all do with greater frequency in old age — urinate, and attend funerals. Thirdly, and most importantly, it is not important if you are getting a little older, a little grayer, or a little slower. What is important is that you are getting a little something.

Ellen DeGeneres: “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.” Good luck with this, Ellen! The problem of finding Granny is exacerbated by the fact that when you are over the hill, you tend to pick up speed.

Exercise is such a dirty word to me that, whenever I think of it, I wash my mouth out with Blue Bell ice cream. However, I can relate to walking as it is about the only exercise I get these days. I do tend to play it safe though, as my walking routes always loop back to our house. I also carry a card with all my medications listed on it, along with my address and phone number, and next of kin (The Good Wife). This card is important because I can give it to the nice policeman if I get disoriented and lost.

Now that I have taken up my space with all this serious discussion, I think I’ll close with some extra nuggets from that dung heap known as “Grouch’s Guano:”

Light travels faster than sound — that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates after all. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might come back to burn you tomorrow.

Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart! (I like that one.)

See ya...and you have a nice day now — unless you’ve already made other plans.

            —————

Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays.

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