Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

March 16, 2014

Let the mockery begin

By Janet Jacobs
Corsicana Daily Sun

— I’ve written a couple of schmoopy columns lately, so clearly it’s time to get back to the juicy business of making fun of people in the news.

A drug sting in Stroudsburg, Penn., almost fell through when the drug dealer ran out of gas and had to get somebody to push him to a gas station, according to the Lehigh Valley Morning Call.

The undercover cop called the guy to ask why he hadn’t walked into their elaborately set-up sting, and the guy told them he was pushing his car to a gas station, but he had the drugs with him.

Police went to the gas station, where the guy was arrested and charged with possession with intent to sell because it’s not actually a felony to be an idiot.

Because we all cheer when stupid criminals get caught, a burglar in Orrington, Maine, got nabbed when his truck full of stolen goods got stuck in the snow outside the business he’d just left, according to the Bangor Daily News.

The business’ burglar alarm went off and the owner showed up, saw the stuck truck, and blocked the end of the driveway with his own pickup, just in case. They found more than $1,000 in stolen items in the bogged down pickup.

The burglar went to jail, ‘cause that’s how they do it in the frozen North.

And just so you don’t think American criminals have the market cornered on being stupid, a couple of scooter thieves decided to try to sell some hot bikes stolen from a wheelchair company in the parking lot of the local police department in Blackpool, Cheshire.

The police watched them unload the scooters and then walked out and arrested the thieves, according to Wednesday’s edition of the Blackpool Gazette.

That’s what’s called makin’ it too easy.

Finally, Bishop Bobby Davis at the Miracle Faith World Outreach Church in Bridgeport, Conn., confessed to his congregation Sunday that he’d had an affair, and while they were yelling at him (some of them claim they were being supportive), he dropped dead, according to the Connecticut Post.

Not only is the church’s name richly ironic, but the guy was also a certified marriage and family therapist.

So, let this be a lesson to you: If you’re going to confess all your sins to a group of people who might judge you and your actions harshly, see your cardiologist first.

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Janet Jacobs may be reached via e-mail at jjacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “sound off” to this article? E-mail: Soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com