Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

August 19, 2013

I have no shame

By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun

— The Little Woman (that’s not my name!) is constantly reminding me that I have no shame and, sadly, she is so right. I have taken advantage of the poor woman for so many years that it sometimes becomes a challenge to come up with new things to burden her with. Now that I am in the throes of infirmity from this back injury, I have been really laying on the whiney-butt requests while sitting in my harness in my easy chair.

I was going to list all the things she does to keep this household going versus all the things I do but, once I got making my lists I was overwhelmed, and just a little bit ashamed of all the weight in her favor, so I quit that little exercise. I had a full page of stuff in her column and two items in mine — I do the cooking and I feed the cat!

 My philosophy has always been, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do — and he needs a good woman around him to do what he can’t.”  See, I told you I have no shame.

The fact that I do all the cooking also puts another burden on TLW because guess who has to clean up? Like all great chefs, I tend to use a lot of utensils and sometimes make a real mess of our cooktop. Did you ever notice how those clowns on the Food Channel put ingredients into one bowl, then mix those ingredients into another bowl of ingredients, so they can put all the ingredients in the baking dish? Then they never serve the end product from the baking dish but it is transferred to another serving platter or bowl.

I will say that, when we got married, I disappointed a lot of women. Since that blessed event, I have only disappointed one woman (if you don’t count my mother). Bless her heart (that’s a Texas expression), TLW is truly a forgiving person. Many years ago she forgave me for not being Paul Newman or Robert Redford. That reminds me of the time many years ago when we watched that movie “Indecent Proposal” together. After it was over, I asked TLW if she would ever consider going off with Robert Redford for a weekend for one million dollars. She snapped, “Of course not — where would I get that kind of money?” (That’s a joke!)

It may be a joke but it just got me another unfortunate encounter with her mood ring. TLW has this beautiful ornate mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, it turns green or blue. When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves red welts all over my punkin head! There are very few things in life that upset TLW and I guess I’m kind of proud to be one of them. But then, of course, I have no shame.

I could go on and on about the wonderful, loving, and respectful relationship TLW and I share, in spite of the fact I have no shame, but I would rather share this story (shamelessly) about the human condition.

A very pious pastor of a small Christian flock in San Jose, Calif., was standing on the beach looking wistfully out toward the sun setting in the Pacific. Suddenly, a huge cloud billowed up on the water and, in a booming voice, God said to the preacher, “Because you have  been a lifelong faithful and true shepherd to your flock and a true keeper of my commandments, I shall grant you one wish.”

The pastor mulled this over and finally said, “Father, will you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can take the church bus full of the faithful to Hawaii anytime I want?”

After a pause, God replied, “My son, your request is more materialistic than I would have expected. The challenges are enormous for that kind of undertaking, what with supports reaching to the bottom of the ocean and the tremendous amounts of steel and concrete required. I could do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Please take a little more time and think of something more helpful to all mankind.”

The preacher thought about it for some time and then said, “God, my wish is that men could understand women. We would know how they feel inside; what they are thinking when they give use the silent treatment; why they cry; what they mean when they say nothing is wrong; why they snap and complain when we try to help; and how we can make women truly happy.”

There was a long pause and then God finally said, “OK, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

In the beginning, God Created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman and neither God nor man has rested since.

Believe me, ladies, all of this rant has truly been laid out in jest. My bottom line is this — women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition!

See ya...

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com