Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

November 7, 2013

Quotable quotes

By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun

— Once upon a time, I fantasized about writing and publishing a joke book entitled “2001 One-liners for Every Occasion.” I had two hard and fast rules about compiling this masterpiece: nothing is sacred; and I’ll steal from anybody. To that end, I have quite a collection of quotes from the famous, the near famous, and the anonymous.

I just now finished my latest “Anacrostic” puzzle and it gave me the inspiration for this rant. By the way, anacrostics are sadistic offsprings of crossword puzzles and my first quotation is the given directions on how to solve said anacrostics:

“Using the definitions at the left fill as many words as you can into the WORDS column. Then transfer the letters from the WORDS column into their corresponding places in the diagram. It is not necessary to know more than a few words to begin solving. Work back and forth between the diagram and the WORDS column until both are filled in. A black square in the diagram denotes the end of a word. When completed, the diagram will yield a quotation; the first letter of each word in the WORDS column, reading down, will spell out the author and the work from which the quote was taken.” (Some fun, huh?)

The quote was from one M. Wilk and the work was, “Wit and Wisdom of Hollywood.” The quote was, “One evening, Jimmy Durante was sitting between acts at a table conversing with actor John Barrymore and other friends. Barrymore said to the Schnozzola, ‘You should play Hamlet.’ ‘To heck with them small towns,’ Durante replied, ‘I’ll take New York!’”

President Ronald Reagan had a great sense of humor and had a plethora (I love that word) of quotable quotes that were true then and they are true today: “The taxpayer: that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” “Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: if it moves, tax it; if it keeps moving, regulate it; and if it stops moving, subsidize it.” “I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the

U.S. Congress.” “Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.”

Phyllis Diller made a comedy career out of her sarcastic view of the world, her goofy husband, “Fang,” and her self-deprecation. Some of her best stuff came at the expense of her domestic abilities: “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” “Cleaning house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” “I’m 18 years behind in my ironing. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” “The best way to get rid of kitchen odors — eat out!”

Rodney Dangerfield also made a career out of self-deprecation and the fact that he could get “no respect” from anyone — especially his parents: “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” “When I was a kid, I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped,  the kidnappers sent my father a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof.” “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait ‘til it gets warmer.’” “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” “My mother never breast fed me — she told me she only liked me as a friend.” “I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

I have quite a collection of anonymous gems and I’ll share a few with you: “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.” “Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.” “You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.” “I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.”

Brigham Young: “I don’t care how you bring em, just bring em young!”

Martha Washington: “Oh for heaven’s sake, George! 200 years from now, what difference will it make where we slept?”

Rita Rudner: “My mother buried three husbands — and two of them were just napping.”

Elaine Boosler: “When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

Mark Twain: “A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

Joe Theisman: “Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is someone like Norman Einstein.”

Dick Platt: “I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

See ya...

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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. Want to “Soundoff” on this story? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com