Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

February 26, 2013

Still out of touch

By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun

— Another week has crawled by and we are still pretty much cut off from the rest of the world. Well, I guess that is an exaggeration as we now have our paper delivered, the trash man has found us on Wednesdays, and The Little Woman (she hates that name) has a brand new mobile phone with a local number.

Also, we bought a goofy TV antenna which is sitting on a folding chair out in the back yard. I have 50 feet of cable snaking through the grass and shrubs, under the lanai (not a patio, but a lanai) door, alongside the glass door to the lanai, and hooked to the back of one of our TV sets which is tastefully placed on a folding table in the family room. It resembles a hillbilly setup you might expect to find on “Duck Dynasty.” If I get the antenna faced just right toward Tampa, I can get FOX, ABC, and about 15 Spanish channels. It’s not much, but it’s better than existing entirely on quality time with TLW and Annie the Cat.

Lo, verily, there is light at the end of our blackout tunnel! “Larry the Cable Guy” has promised us a land line, TV hookups, and internet service by tomorrow afternoon. Actually, Larry, the Comcast Direct Sales Representative, doesn’t care for that title and he has sleeves on his shirts. Anyhow, a cable was tunneled under our driveway from a new pod this morning so, hopefully it will all come together tomorrow and I will be able to e-mail this rant to His Editorship back at the Sun. Also, I will be reunited with my beloved ESPN and “Imus In the Morning.”

Speaking of sun, we get plenty of it here. We have sliding pocket doors on our patio (oops, I mean lanai) and we have them wide open almost every day and the breeze from the Gulf of Mexico is very refreshing. However, we have a western exposure on the back of our house and the late afternoon sun can be blinding in our kitchen and family room. Our crepe-paper blinds help somewhat and our for-real blinds are due in about 4-6 weeks.

I have tried to stay positive throughout our travails and inconveniences over the past few weeks and I realize we are truly blessed. For instance, our hardships completely pale to those of the 4,200 souls stranded on the disabled Carnival Triumph ship without power or working toilets for five days. Losing power on a ship that size is a monumental problem but is only a molehill compared to the mountain of no toilets for 4,200 people for five days. You have to believe they all pigged out on the endless buffets for the first couple days of the cruise before their toilets were disabled. Now we’re talking real hardship!

I saw a great cartoon in the Sarasota paper today. It is titled, “Carnival prepares for future emergencies...” and it shows a huge luxury liner sailing along with rows of alternating lifeboats and “port-o-potties” attached to the side. I know one thing for sure — once it was established that there would be no abandoning of the ship, I would have used the nearest life boat for a port-o-potty!

I mentioned that TLW got a new cell phone. This “Smart-Alec” phone is too much for me to comprehend — it just has too many options including texting and all manner of evil functions. Also, the keypad on it is too teensy-weensy and too sensitive for my pudgy fingers. I just can’t seem to dial a phone number correctly the first time on the little bugger — I get double numbers or erroneous ones every time I touch it. Thank goodness I found the delete button which backs me up one character at a time because when I hit “Back” it cancels out all my previous work and pops me back to the “Pick your application again, Stupid” screen. Bring on that landline phone!

The AT&T folks who sold her the phone were very helpful in setting up her plan for minutes and getting rid of some of the long-distance charges she had accrued by calling Sarasota numbers on her Corsicana cell phone. They also provided a whole set of “Senior Texting Codes,” which will be quite valuable. Here are a few of them:

“ATD...At the Doctor’s; BFF...Best Friend’s Funeral; BYOT...Bring Your Own Teeth; CUATSC...See You at the Senior Center; DWI...Driving While Incontinent; FWIW...Forgot Where I Was; TOT...Texting on Toilet.” I’ll bet some of you can relate and will be using these codes in the future.

Thankfully, these are the last of my punogranisms: I didn’t like my beard at first but then it started to grow on me. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory includes a pop quiz. The Indians got here first because they had reservations. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. The lady said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club but I’d never met herbivore.

GGLKI (Gotta go, laxative kicking in).

See ya...

         —————

Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com