Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Sports

November 30, 2013

Wait! There's more!

Cowboys a lot like those crazy infomercials

Corsicana — If the Cowboys were an infomercial, I’d be pausing the DVR in order to read the fine print. Like my old granddad used to say, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” The 2013 Dallas Cowboys sound too good to be true.

The late Billy Mayes couldn’t convince me that a defense filled with heretofore unknown names in key positions who simply cannot stop the run can win games in the NFL. “As seen on TV” just doesn’t hold up around here. It will take more than Flex Seal to stop the leaks in Monte Kiffen’s Tampa Two. I’ve witnessed both on the flat screen, and I no more believe that you can put a screen door in a row boat than you can put Ernie Sims in the middle for Sean Lee.

I know all about the defensive philosophy of “bend but don’t break.” I have a Pocket Hose in my garage. When you turn on the water, it expands like my midsection after a Thanksgiving feast. However, after I turn off the spigot, the hose returns to its regular size. The Cowboy defense expands, however also like my midsection; it fails to contract when the pressure is off.

I know the ‘Boyz are 7-5 and essentially tied with the Beagles for the NFC East lead. I also know they’re 5-0 within the division. But, I only have to touch a Turbo Roaster once to know better than to touch it again. I once saw an SUV pull a boat attached to it using Mighty Putty. Did I believe that? Would any of you like one of the six tubes of Mighty Putty in my tool box?

While the Cowboy’s offense isn’t the Cat’s Meow, at least they keep Tony Romo upright the majority of the time. I don’t need Zoomies to see that the defense cannot stop the run. Did big red’s scheme stop the Giants, or did Tom Coughlin’s decision to let Eli throw stop them? The Cowboy’s front seven made running back Andre Brown look like a Lint Lizard running throw a dryer vent.

The Dallas D is a lot like a pair of Pajama Jeans. They look good at a distance, but those aren’t real rivets on the pockets. I’m sure you remember the old Levi’s logo with a pair of mules pulling on a pair of jeans. Our defensive line couldn’t hold up to a pair of Chihuahuas. It sucks like a Wax Vac Ear Cleaning System.

When Jerry started to sign some of these guys away from Home Depot, he found out ... Wait! There’s more! He could get two for the price of one. He just had to pay shipping and handling, and after 30 days, if he wasn’t completely satisfied, he could get his money back, minus the shipping and handling. Of course, that’s when he discovered that shipping and handling cost more than the lineman.

Instead of hiring Monte Kiffen, I don’t know why Jerry didn’t go after Ron Popeil. If they didn’t make the playoffs, at least he would have a lifetime supply of Ronco Pocket Fishermen. With the prodigious inventor on the sideline there would be no reason to call defensive signals. They could just, “set it and forget it.”

I’m not saying that the Cowboy’s defensive interior is soft. What I am saying is that it often reminds me of a Sobakawa Cloud Pillow. By the second half of the Saints’ game, I had inserted my Snore Solution Mouth Guard, propped my sagging couch up with my Furniture Fix and started counting Topsy Turvy tomatoes. Sleep dulls the pain.

So, do I buy the fact that the Cowboys could be a division winning team? Does a Chillow do away with the need for A/C at night? Will a MSA 30X give you super sonic hearing? Will a Potato Express give you four perfect backed potatoes in four minutes? Will Wipe New turn your 1987 Ford Ranger into a new pickup? Hmmm ... I don’t really know.

Let me get back to you after the UPS truck gets here. In the meantime ... oh, wait. The timer just went off. I now have perfectly boiled eggs in my Egg Genie. Later.

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