Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

January 3, 2014

Morgan: A look ahead to 2014

By Ron Morgan
Corsicana Daily Sun

Corsicana — Well, it’s 2014, and what does everyone in the newspaper business do in each and every New Year? It has to be one of two things: Either you look at the past year in review, or you make predictions for the upcoming year. Since the Cowboys, the Mavericks, the Rangers, the Stars and the CHS Tiger football team all failed to make the playoffs, reviewing 2013 wouldn’t be much fun. And, since one of my many skills is prognostication, I thought I’d give you a preview of just what is coming in 2014.

For the past few years, I thought Jerry Jones resembled an Egyptian mummy. I was wrong. He’s not a mummy. This year we will discover that Jerry is really a zombie, one of the walking dead. That explains a lot. Every time a new assistant coach or scout is hired, Jerry eats their brains.

That definitely explains running six times in the second half against Green Bay with a huge lead. It also clears up why they failed to draft a single defensive lineman in 2013.

Over the years you have seen me rant and rave about the BCS and their computer. Some of the annual matchups their laptop has come up with were more than mystifying. Sometime in the next few months we will learn one of the two following possibilities.

Either the NSA has hacked their computer and programed the bowl pairings, or…(and this is what I think really happened)…it will come out that the same company that programed the Obamacare website also programed the BCS computer.” If you like your national champion, you can keep your national champion.”

Nick Saban, Jimbo Fisher and Art Briles all have new long term contracts. When the University of Texas breaks out its checkbook, we will find out just how ironclad those contracts are. “If you like your head coach, you can keep your head coach.”

Jerry will keep Jason Garrett as the Cowboy’s head coach. He has too much invested in him. It’s too hard to find someone who can get to 8-8 every year. Besides, after three years, have you noticed: When Jason speaks; you can hardly even see Jerry’s lips move?

Monte Kiffen will decide to retire and take his Tampa Two back to the beach in Tampa. Rob Marinelli will be offered the defensive coordinator’s job but will turn it down in favor of moving to Tampa to bring drinks with little umbrellas to Monte Kiffen. Bill Callahan will stay on as the offensive coordinator.

 However, since he stays in the press box, you won’t be able to see if he is sending down the plays. When they show the owner’s box, see if you can spot Jerry in a headset.

With the Ranger’s everyday lineup set, the question will turn to the rotation.

My crystal ball says Colby Lewis is done, and that Matt Harrison will once again be on the disabled list. I see a rotation of Yu, Derek Holland, Martin Perez, Nick Tepesch and Robbie Ross. I see a battle between Nefti and Ogando for the closer spot.

And, prior to the trade deadline, I see a trade moving Mark Price into the rotation with Robbie Ross going back to the bullpen. Nah, that makes too much sense.

I foresee the Stars signing more players with names I cannot pronounce, but that Jon Ketcham will not only be able to pronounce them but spell them as well.

It will come out before the NBA season ends, that Dirk has a secret patent on his one legged fall away shot. The big German will then sue LeBron, Kobe and Kevin Durant for patent infringement. He will win his case in the Bundesgerichtshof (the Supreme Court of Germany).

Of course, when Kobe takes the stand, his defense will be, “I know nothing, NOTHIIIING!”

Islamic terrorists will have plans to disrupt this year’s Winter Olympics in Russia. There have already warmed up with a couple of bombings nearby. When they bombed us, all we did was invade Afghanistan and Iraq. The Russians aren’t nearly as nice. Vladimir Putin doesn’t go in for diplomacy nearly as much as we do. If they think Gitmo is bad, wait until they get a dose of Siberia in January. They don’t even read Russian citizens their rights. Waterboarding will be something they get to do a recess. Radical Islamists who poke at Russia would probably poke a Siberian tiger with a sharp stick. I think they have probably been inhaling a little too much on their hookahs.

My attorney warns me that I must inform you that these predictions are made strictly for informational and entertainment purposes.

Anyone wagering on these prognostications does so at their own peril. After all, at my visit to the ophthalmologist yesterday, even though he certified my hindsight as 20/20, he said my “third eye” might need a little laser surgery. Some of these did look a little fuzzy.  

However, I haven’t missed a prediction in days.