Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

June 1, 2013

Morgan: High hurdle - Lawsuit could open can of worms

By Ron Morgan
Corsicana Daily Sun

Corsicana — Ervin Mears Jr. is suing the Camden County Regional High School, its track coach, principal and superintendent for $40 million. Why? I’m glad you asked.

He’s suing because they violated his son’s constitutional right to run track. His son, Mawusinensah Mears (who should in turn sue Ervin Mears Jr. for $40 million for naming him Mawusinensah), was kicked off the track team for too many unexcused absences.

For as long as I can remember, and probably for as long as there has been extracurricular activities, the general rule has been that band, choir, sports, cheerleading and a host of other activities have been deemed privileges, not rights. This could turn the extracurricular world on its ear if Ervin wins this suit. $40 million clears a lot of hurdles.

If the precedent is set, I might just sue Jerry Jones. Why, you might ask? I could sue him for failing to draft my 9-year-old grandson, Hayden. Hayden has a couple of seasons of flag football and a couple of seasons of real football under his belt. He should have the right to pursue an NFL career just as much as Tony Romo or Demarco Murray. He is a cornerback, and no NFL team can ever have too many cornerbacks. Besides, for $40 million he can switch to golf, and I’ll be happy to caddy for him ... for a nominal fee.

Ervin Jr. also claims that his son was the victim of bullying because even when he was still on the track team he had to watch as seniors got to run ahead of him. There it is again. Didn’t I tell you that bullying was the crime du jour? Everything is now bullying. In the current era, if you’re not bullied, Vitamin D deficient or gluten intolerant you’re just not in. Bullying along with childhood obesity are the plagues of the day.

If Mawusinensah has been bullied, I’d guess that it was Ervin Jr.’s fault. It’s too bad that Johnny Cash isn’t around anymore. I can just imagine a country smash hit in “A Boy Named Mawusinensah.” I would write it myself, but I can’t come up with anything that rhymes with Mawusinensah.

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American icon J. C. Penney has struggled for a while now. It changed its retail format to try to improve its fortunes, and unfortunately it didn’t go over very well. The stock has plummeted over the past year. Well, I think the company has found a strategy that will work.

J.C. Penney had a billboard advertising a tea kettle that many claimed looked like Adolf Hitler. (Here’s where I can show some faux outrage. Since a tea kettle is necessary for a tea party, and since someone is equating that with Nazis ... you get my drift.) Guess what? Penney’s sold out of the tea kettles. Those same tea kettles are now selling for $250 on eBay. Now, Penneys is planning on a frying pan that looks like Stalin and a curtain rod that resembles Idi Amin.

Obviously, the IRS (our version of the Gestapo) is auditing Penneys over tea kettle ties, and the justice department is subpoenaing my phone records for investigating the leaks leading to this story (which is ridiculous. Who’d buy a leaky tea kettle?). When I called to ask Eric WithHolder about it, he did his most excellent impersonation of Sergeant Schultz, “I know nothing, NOTHING!”

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OK, when Cliff Lee opted to go to Philadelphia over staying here, I wrote him off. Anyone who would voluntarily live in Philly when they could live here can’t be the brightest bulb in the chandelier. We went to a World Series without him. We didn’t need him, nor did we need to mortgage the future of the franchise to sign him long term.

Wait. You say that he could be on the trading block soon? Texas is one of the few teams he didn’t include in his no trade clause? Colby Lewis had a setback and won’t be in Arlington before July? There is no guarantee that Matt Harrison will get back? We might have to rely on Nick Tepesch, Justin Grimm and/or Ross Wolf for quite a while? Lee has a 6-2 record with a 2.34 ERA this season? I was just kidding Cliff. I didn’t really mean “good riddance.” I realize that the traffic for your wife is bad trying to get from Dallas to Arlington. I can find you a realtor who can locate you a house closer to the ball park. Better yet, I’ll chauffeur your wife to the games. How’s that sound? We never wanted you to leave in the first place. You know, mortgaging the future isn’t all that bad, is it?