By Ron Morgan
We’re going through a phase nationally I like to call the Wussification of America. You see it everywhere. There is a movement now calling for doing away with sections in toy stores where they differentiate between boys’ toys and girls’ toys. No longer can you say guns are for boys (actually, many in Washington don’t even want Nerf guns around without a background check), and dolls are for girls.
One of the last bastions of masculinity, the NFL, isn’t even immune. Someone go down to Roy’s (now that things are back to normal in the ‘Can) and ask Ray Jacobs. The NFL might soon be the National Feminine League. Google the last union negotiated deal with the league. During the regular season, just how many times would you guess that an NFL team can have a full in-pad practice? Let’s see, that’s 17 weeks of regular season … 34 practices? 25? Nice try. How about 14? The CBA allows less than one fully dressed out practice per week.
If you watched any of the inaugural games on TV last weekend, you saw in most games a pretty sloppy display. Did you wonder why? Go back and read further in the CBA. They are limited in the number of two a days they can have in training camp. Apparently, for every full practice they have, they must have a day at the beach to recuperate. Well, that’s at least the way it seems.
You can no longer hit with the crown of the helmet. You can’t hit below the knees. Quarterbacks are immune from any contact except from the armpit to the 3rd rib down. Chop blocking isn’t permitted. I’m just waiting for the league to issue all running backs, quarterbacks and receivers flags to wear. Next thing you know they’ll outlaw dumping Gatorade on the coach unless it’s sugar free.
And, speaking of artificially sweetened, the official soft drink of the NFL is Pepsi Max, a sugar free cola. The league has even caved to the high fructose hysteria that is gripping the country. Can’t you just picture the Cowboy’s bearded 330-pound first round draft choice sipping on a diet soda? Before you know it, the training table will be filled with asparagus, tofu and veggie burgers.
In today’s wussified America, sugar and red meat are the villains. Sugar bad, marijuana good. I’ll bet that in Washington state, you might be arrested for drinking a Dublin Dr. Pepper with your marijuana brownie, and they’d only confiscate the DP.
Mexico is about to start taxing sugary soft drinks. In Mexico, Coca Cola is the biggest thing they have to worry about? (Is there a Grapette cartel?) I wouldn’t be surprised if our federal government volunteered to help them collect it. We will probably set up tighter security at the border, not to stop illegals, but to keep out Mexican Coke (not the drug, the cane sugar sweetened drink). Maybe we will send our new secretary of state, Vladimir Putin, down there to help them stamp out obesity.
If the NFL has been wussified, what chance does the rest of our society have? Soon, Ranger pitchers may be tossing whiffle balls and Lebron James will land, following a dunk, in a high jump pit. NASCAR fans will listen to the silence of plug in electric cars quietly humming around the track. Heck, wrasslin’ could turn out to be fake!
We’re becoming France. I just read this week where Monty Python’s John Cleese said France just raised the terror threat level from “Run” to “Hide”. Our matinee idols have gone from John Wayne and Charlton Heston to Sean Penn and Jim Carrey.
We need to get back to where we used to be. Maybe the NFL should just outlaw facemasks and domed stadiums. Perhaps major league baseball should turn a blind eye to pitching inside. As for me, I’m heading next door to the 7-11 where I’m going to buy an RC Cola, and I’m going to dump a package of “salted” peanuts in it. Then I’m just going to wait for Michelle Obama to chide me.