Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

January 31, 2014

Morgan: There's got to be a better way to hold the Winter Olympic Games

By Ron Morgan
Corsicana Daily Sun

Corsicana — I don’t watch much of the Winter Olympics. I’m just not into skiing, skating or curling. However, they are about to start, so I figure I need to stay current. Let’s talk about the Winter Olympics.

These games are being held in Sochi, Russia where Phil Robertson’s views on homosexuality are positively enlightened by comparison. Vladimir Putin has publicly stated that Russia “must cleanse itself of homosexuality.”  Although he did say that homosexuals would be welcome at the games as long as they “leave our children alone.” If you think that’s bad, Sochi is located very close to Chechnya, an Islamic state and the seat of heavy terrorist activity. Militant Islamists, such as the Chechnyans who bombed the Boston Marathon, believe homosexuals should be put to death.

A few months ago, we had people urging President Obama to boycott the Sochi Olympics over Russia harboring an American traitor. That would have been very”Carteresque.” I’m afraid the president has endured far too many comparisons to the Georgia peanut farmer to cement that likeness forever.

However, now the State Department has advised both participants and spectators to avoid wearing their USA gear outside of the Olympic venues. At first, I thought it was because their attire would make them obvious targets for anti-American terrorism. Then I saw the outfits.  Now it is clear that either John Kerry and his minions have far too much fashion sense, or they fear our guys and girls would be mistaken for child molesters. Ralph Lauren must have been in Colorado when he designed those.

If the whole point of the Olympics is to see which country is superior, I think they are going about it the wrong way. The way the games are played now, it’s only a question of who has the best training, and, in many cases, who can camouflage doping the best.

If we really want to see which country is superior, we should hold a blind draw of common people about a month before the games. Give them four weeks of guidance then turn them loose.

If, for example, they pull Subway guru Chuck Williams’ name out of the hat, let him go head to head with a Ukrainian welder in snowboarding. Or, how exciting would it be to watch local dentist Dr. John Smith curl against some French hairdresser? Now, we could see which country has the more competitive citizenry. How about Bob Belcher and Deanna Kirk in pair’s figure skating? I’d stay up to watch that.

 I think they could stir up more interest with events that more of us could relate to. Why don’t they have competitive snow fort building, snowball duals at twenty paces or, for those seeking more action, snowman karate?  They could have relay teams racing ahead of an avalanche or driving a two wheel drive pickup on icy roads around the hills of Birmingham.    

Otherwise, I just can’t get into the Winter Olympics. Snowboarding is just skateboarding without the wheels. I tried skiing once, but gave it up when it left Chaz Bono fatherless.

I won’t watch skating until they start doing routines to Garth Brooks. Curling? I’d rather watch Raymond Linex go over Mike Phillips’ expense reports.

Okay, I have stayed current. Now can we get on with some real winter sports? For example, what tight ends does Jerry have at the top of his draft board?

How can a promotion of Monte Kiffen to assistant head coach be a demotion? Or, just how many play callers do the Cowboys have now?  Forget ski jumping. Cowboy fans are far too familiar with the”agony of defeat.”