I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the diligent folks who forwarded e-mails to me in 2005.

You have my undying gratitude for making me feel safe, secure, wise and blessed.

I’m especially grateful to the person who told me about the recycled toxic waste in envelope glue. Now I have to get a damp cloth every time I want to mail a letter.

Of course, I scrub the tops of cans now for the same reason, and soak my hands in disinfectant for at least five minutes after touching any kind of processed food.

Thanks to my industrious cyber-space buddies, I no longer drink carbonated beverages. Of the three leading brands, one is potent enough to dissolve toilet-bowl stains, and the other two are manufactured by atheists who refuse to put “In God We Trust” on their cans.

I no longer use waxed paper in the microwave because it causes cancer, and I no longer eat chicken because the birds are actually blind mutants with no feathers.

I no longer check coin-return slots or retrieve my change because I might be pricked by a needle infected with the AIDS virus.

And I’d rather smell like a water buffalo on warm days than use a deodorant and risk developing underarm cancer.

Because of your deep concern for my health and well being, I no longer drink coffee because they don’t wash the bugs out of the beans before they grind them.

My waistline thanks you as well because I haven’t eaten chocolate since I found out it causes hair loss.

I no longer use shampoo either because of the risk for brain damage. I just rinse my hair with vinegar once a week and walk around smelling like an Easter egg for the rest of the day.

I quit taking all my medications after finding out it’s nothing but overpriced sugar pills that cause all kinds of dreaded diseases, creating a need for more medication.

I no longer return voice mail messages because I’ll almost certainly dial a number which will result in a five-digit phone bill — before the dot.

When I go outside, I wear a gas mask now because of all the toxic chemicals released by companies that have bribed EPA agents who are actually bioterrorists.

As for my financial health, I’m broke. I gave the last penny of my savings to a child who was about to die in the hospital for the 1,427,583rd time.

All that will change, however, when Microsoft and Coca Cola send me $15,000 checks for participating in their consumer-research e-mail programs.

And yes, my dear friends, you have contributed to my spiritual well being, too.

You’ve taught me that God answers prayers only if I forward your message to 10 friends and make a wish within five minutes.

But at least my soul is safe. At last count, I had 257,496 angels watching over me and my name is on more than 1.6 million prayer lists.

In fact, I’m so grateful for your laborious efforts on my behalf, I want to return the favor. If you don’t forward a ridiculous e-mail to 53,471 friends within the next nine minutes, a large pigeon with wicked diarrhea will land on your head before sundown.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s hairdresser.

—————

Joan Sherrouse is a Daily Sun staff writer. Her column appears Thursdays. She may be contacted via e-mail at jsherrouse@corsicanadailysun.com.

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