I am sick and tired of all the cartoons, cards, commercials, and other depictions of the old year 2013 yielding to the new year 2014.
The old year always looks like a cross between Father Time and The Grim Reaper, wearing an elongated Bill Belichick hoodie, and all bent over from the weight of a huge scythe and hourglass. The old guy is always yielding to the newborn year, who is a cute little urchin, wrapped in a diaper, wearing a party hat, and tooting a horn.
Actually, showing last year as an ancient may be appropriate this year because, for The Little Woman (I may drop that name for New Years) and me, 2013 was enough to age anybody. In fact, if the year 2013 was a person, I would sue him for excessive pain and suffering and loss of ability to enjoy life.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been many blessing in our lives since we pulled up stakes and set out from Corsicana in January. We love our new home, we love the climate, and we especially love being close to our family. However, as an illustration of the problems with old 2013, I quote a paragraph from “The 2013 Trashgram,” which is my version of an annual newsletter every Christmas.
“We are blessed to have all sorts of medical services, including two large hospitals, within a few miles of our new abode. It’s a good thing too, as we have amassed a ton of problems during this past year. Without going into the specifics, I’ll just say we have availed ourselves of the following specialties: dermatology, radiology, podiatry, ophthalmology, neurosurgery, orthotics, cardiology, gastroenterology, internal medicine, and physical therapy. Also, we managed to toss in a couple visits to the Emergency Room followed by short hospital stays. Whew! In spite of all that, we can report that we are still able to sit up and take nourishment.”
Mark Twain once said, “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”
The actual celebration of New Years has undergone a huge metamorphosis for TLW and me over our many years together. In the early years, our circle of friends took turns hosting parties (usually in a basement) that roared into the wee hours. At midnight, the kissing games began, which I used to refer to as “New Year’s Eve Roulette” — if you got to kiss six gorgeous women, five would be very passionate and one would have the flu.
Later on, in our empty nest, TLW and I used to get “starkers” in our hot tub with a magnum of champagne. Much later on, that tradition was replaced by martinis and a sponge bath in the sink. Now, we just look forward to staying up until midnight to quietly toast the New Year — she has whole wheat and I have rye.
One way to look at New Year’s Day, is that it is generally good for the ecology. I say that because every year, more and more people are recycling their resolutions. The trouble with making resolutions is that so many of them are unrealistic. This year, I have decided to only make New Year’s resolutions that I can actually keep. Here are a couple that will definitely be on my list.
I may not go in, but I will at least drive by our Community Fitness Center each day and I will honestly try to increase the duration of my morning walks.
I intend to exercise portion control with my food, cut down drastically on sodium and fat, and eat absolutely no cloned meat.
I will create loose ends whenever possible and start to procrastinate more — starting tomorrow. Actually this one is easy for me as I have always been a procrastinator — in fact, I was eight years old before I got a birthmark.
I will at least glance at the user’s manual before plugging the product in.
I am going to be more creative with my daily happy hours. The first item is to move the starting time up to 3 p.m. from 4 p.m. That is because of the change in time zones between Texas and Florida. Also, each Pu-Pu Platter must contain cheese, crusty bread, and fruit.
That’s about it for this rant. I hope any resolutions you may make for the new year are productive and reasonable and contribute to the good things coming to us all in 2014.
Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: email@example.com