One again, I’ve gathered a few examples of our fellow humans being dumber than they have to so we can point and laugh, and learn a few things from their mistakes.
From Fort Walton Beach, Fla., comes this remarkable report by Wendy Victoria of the NFW Daily News: “A driver pulled over for an improper tail light on April 20 was arrested after she gave the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office deputy a name she couldn't spell.”
The 27 year old told the officer her name was Coronica Jackson and then proceeded to spell it C-o-r-i-c-a, then C-o-r-n-a-i-c-a. When he asked her to sign a piece of paper she spelled it C-o-n-i-n-a-n-i J-u-n-i-s-e. She was arrested for driving with a suspended license.
Lesson one, learn how to spell; and lesson two is that a simple person trying to lie about her name should choose a simple name, such as Ann or Jane.
From reporter Michael Zennie at the Fort Wayne (Indiana) Journal-Gazette we have this gem: “It’s unclear how long Thomas Hovis Jr. had been hiding in a vat of manure, but when Noble County SWAT officers stormed the small barn where he was holed up, they thought they had lost the drug suspect.”
This incident happened last week, and I’m going to point out that it’s not 75 degrees in April in Indiana. When they finally found Mr. Hovis, he fought the officers and had to be Tasered. Then he began shaking and talking incoherently with hypothermia from the “frigid pool of feces” in which he’d taken sanctuary.
There are so many lessons to be learned here it’s hard to know where to start. How about don’t dive into freezing manure pits? Also, when someone pulls you out of a freezing manure pit, don’t fight them.
From Mary Flood (which would be a great fake name, by the way) at the Houston Chronicle comes this tale: “A 19-year-old college freshman missed class Tuesday when a federal judge decided to teach her a civics lesson by ordering federal marshals to haul her in chains from school to court to explain why she shirked jury duty.”
The girl with the green-streaked hair could have gotten out of jury duty by explaining her student status, but chose instead to ditch. When the clerk called to ask where she was, she claimed to have a flat tire. When the clerk offered to come pick her up, she said ‘no.’ Later, the clerk called back to say, essentially, ‘the judge wants to see you,’ the girl hung up on the clerk.
U.S. District Judge David Hittner had her brought into his court, then ordered her to get a lawyer.
Now, the girl’s father is threatening to sue because his precious snowflake had bruises on her ankles and wrists, then offered this excuse: “She's 19, she's ignorant, she's a kid. They don't take anything seriously.”
The lessons here are: Don’t be a spoiled brat; don’t blow off jury duty; don’t make excuses for your grown kids when they act like 4 year olds; and don’t ever, ever, ever hang up on a federal judge’s clerk.
Janet Jacobs is a Daily Sun staff writer. Her column appears on Sundays. She may be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? E-mail: email@example.com